The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Go Browns.

Well, let’s make it 1-12 in openers.  There is something almost magical about the Browns ability to suck the life out of a football season early, and get you ready for yet another season of malaise.  It’s amazing really.  In the NFL, that bullshit of “Any Given Sunday” is actually pretty legit.  You would think the Browns, especially since they host most season openers, would at least go .500.  Nope.  Not here.  This is an organization that must have an ancient curse on it, one as severe as that tiki idol that Greg Brady found in Hawaii.  (It’s taboo!)

The gripe most fans have about the Browns is not even that they don’t make the Playoffs.  It’s that they seem completely incapable of making the Playoffs.  Ever.  The Browns are like that fuck up Brother-In-Law that just can’t seem to get it together.  He’s living over in his Mom’s old basement, and he’s a pretty OK guy, but he always has some shit talk about how great things are going to be in the future.  “Yeah, I was talking to some guys about getting this chopper garage going.  We’ve got it all figured out the other night over at Smedley’s.  It’s going to be awesome. We’re going to have the best shop in the country.  All we gotta do is find a guy that knows how to customize bikes.”

Everyone in the Family knows he isn’t going to do shit.  He may know vaguely what a successful shop would look like.  He may even know a nice looking chopper looks like.  That doesn’t mean he can actually make it happen, and in fact, he’ll be back at Thanksgiving dinner next year with some crazy shit talk about a new hydroponic farm business with two other guys he met at a crappy bar near his Mom’s house.  (In this analogy, the well-groomed brother that comes over to mow the lawn and fix the sink is the Steelers.  The brother that talks real loud about how he’s going to fix the sink, but doesn’t actually do it is The Ravens.  The brother that is selling weed and living with a stripper is the Bengals.)

Every year the Browns emerge from Mom’s basement with some crazy plan that sounds good.  Unless you have been sitting around the table listening to this shit talk every year as we all have.  “Hey, remember last year when I said we were going to be smash mouth running and 3-4 defense?  I couldn’t believe that got fucked up.  Dude?  How did I know you have to have big guys up front?  Nobody told me man!  Well listen…  I realize now we gotta be West Coast offense and 4-3.  It’s going to totally work.  So…  ummm…if you could give me that ticket money again, I’d like really appreciate it.  This time we are going to be totally ready for the first game too.  Seriously.  We are.  Have you seen my bowl?”

Like abused parents we fork over our cash and time on Sunday afternoons to watch what most be the second most unwatchable team of our lifetimes.  (Sorry Lions.)  Once again many people bought into the hype and tricked themselves.  “Hey, maybe Colt McCoy does have some Tom Brady in him.  That receiving core might work out.  We go 8-8, maybe get a lucky win and go 9-7?  Hell, we could be a Wild Card!”  Nope.  If the team catches a few breaks it’ll be 6-12.  Nice rash of injuries in the division, and maybe 7-9.  But let’s be realistic.  5-11 is in play too.

The best part is next year we’ll see them shuffle back up from Mom’s basement.  “What’ up?  Did I tell you what we’re going to do this year?  It’s gonna be totally different!  Spread offense man.  Wildcat and shit.”

Go Browns.


-Greg Miller

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Posted by on Sep 14 2011. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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