The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Roberto Hernandez Heredia and the 2012 “What if?” Indians

 

I love that Fausto Carmona is actually Roberto Hernandez Heredia.  This is already the best Indians story of 2012.  In fact, I am so excited that I have already placed a sizeable bid on a wildly discounted Fausto Carmona jersey on eBay.  What a great way to celebrate the sad sack Indians in 2012!  I will place this jersey in my closet next to my “Ron Mexico” Atlanta Falcons jersey with pride.  Mexico, as you may recall, was Michael Vick’s pseudonym when he would check into hotels to have sex with girls and give them herpes.  Allegedly.

How great must that phone call have been to Shapiro and Antonetti?  “Hello?  Mark?  Yeah…  Hey, I have Fausto’s agent on the phone and they have a bit of a problem with getting his Visa down there…  No.  No, it’s nothing like that.  Um…  Well, the funny thing is that Fausto’s name is really Roberto Hernandez Heredia.  Yeah.  And one more thing… He’s 31.  And they still want their $7 million dollars.  Ok.  Ok.  Yeah, I’ll have him call you back when you get a chance to settle down a little bit.”

The Indians are entering this season with some wildly misplaced enthusiasm.  They really feel like they have assembled a pitching staff of “inning eaters” that will go six innings every night, and have their bullpen repeat last year’s shocking excellence to win games.  Carmona, I mean Hernandez Heredia, is still living on the fading glory of his 19 win season in 2007.  Even though it appears he will never be that pitcher again, that guy (whoever he is) will go out there every five games and give you some innings.  He’s going to walk a shitload of guys and give up 4 or 5 runs, but at least you know he’ll be out there.  Now you’ll get Kevin Slowey out there every five days.  Slowey, it should be noted, is basically the same pitcher as Carmona, but with no illusion of future great success.  His real name is also probably Kevin Slowey.  I think if he made up a name, he probably wouldn’t go with “Slowey”.  He’d probably go with something like “Rocket Richards” or “Tyler Wiffington”.

So to recap, the sad sack Indians week that was went like this.  The Tigers lose Victor Martinez for the year, providing a strong glimmer of hope.  The Indians find out Carmona is actually a 47 year old banana plantation worker named Hector Gomez, and is in the clink.  The Indians sign not-quite-even-a-journeyman Kevin Slowey to the rotation.  The Tigers sign Prince Fielder.  Bam!

That turn of events shows you exactly why the Tigers are exciting and the Indians are the Washington Generals.  Look at it like this…  Verlander, Cabrera, and Fielder are all in their prime.  Unfortunately, so are Sizemore, LaPorta, and Trevor Crowe.

It’s going to be a long year.

 

-Greg Miller

Read more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

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Posted by on Jan 31 2012. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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