The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Emptiness of Victory


A sign on the end zone wall at Cleveland Browns Stadium this week read: 11-5 STARTS TODAY. For many reasons the sign better be true.

I was riding that wave—the wave of defeat.

I was clinching harder and harder every week, growing accustomed to the suffering. Wearing it as a badge. Treating suffering as if it were a delicate bouquet of hydrangeas delivered to me in front of co-workers. A secret love that for its secrecy became adorned and envied.

We were all riding that wave.

Now the defeat has disappeared, albeit it for (most likely) one week, and we are left wondering about the emptiness we feel.

We have always waited for victory, it seems we always are, and when it comes so infrequently and robs us of the resonation we normally feel from loss, we are deficient. Loss is both an enzyme and a catalyst to us.

Loss has become a honing signal and victory just a pillow-muffled afterthought.

Loss has looked at us, smelt us, latched onto us and said, “Thank you for the home.”

“Fuck you,” we once replied. “We just want some wins.”

Until loss stayed so long that we started setting a place for it at dinner. Now, after this Sunday, we are empty nesting.

And we are all thinking it. Are we going to be 1-15? Would we rather be 0-16? Why?

Please don’t tease us, victory. Many of us have not the patience.


-Jon Conley

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Posted by on Oct 16 2012. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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