The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Welcome to the NFL, Mr. Haslam


Do you think that when Jimmy Haslam bought the Browns, this past Sunday was what he had in mind?  You know, you spend your whole life running truck stops and you figure you finally get your pay off by owning an NFL franchise and being “The Man”.  Do you realize how many Oak Ridge Boys cassettes you have to sell to buy an NFL team?  How many Slim Jims?  How many sweatshirts with bald eagles and Indian portraits?  That shit doesn’t sell itself.  You know how much effort you have to put in to sell a CB Radio in this day and age?  Guys driving trucks want pornography and stimulants, not outdated technology.

So you work your ass off and put an incredible fortune together to be able to buy a team.  The problem then becomes “Who is going to sell?”  These NFL franchises are such monster money printing presses; you would have to be out of your skull to sell one.  Why would you?  It would be like if you owned a goat that shit gold Krugerrands and you traded it to your buddy for a set of used snow tires.  Owning an NFL team is like owning a whorehouse on a troop ship.  It’s akin to having a cocaine stand at Lollapalooza.  It is absolutely impossible not to make a fortune beyond imagination.

The Browns have been horrible since Jim Brown was only “kinda surly”.  And it doesn’t matter.  The Lerner Family ran out teams so terrible that even LA Clipper fans speak in hushed reverential tones.  And it doesn’t matter.  Even people in cash starved NE Ohio will pay thousands of dollars in PSLs just for the honor of paying further thousands in tickets to go see Doug Pederson throw incomplete passes in the rain.  It’s an amazing business.  Still, they sold.  Can you imagine any other business like this?  Everyone kinda hated Randy, but who cares?  It wasn’t like he lived here.  The Browns were like a cheap motel he had an interest in outside Myrtle Beach.  He just collected the checks.  Still, he sold…

Beyond the dollars and sense is the status.  Richard Branson from Virgin can swagger around in a hot air balloon with his logo on it with two supermodels rubbing his thighs, but the dude doesn’t own the Jets.  It’s a tight club to get into, and you have to be a certain type of fella to get in.  Once you’re in, you are “in”.  Every week TV coverage shows you in the owner’s box looking concerned.  You get to clumsily make high fives with your lackeys.  You can be the stiff upper lip of reason.  And at the end of the day, everyone wants to be you.  Hell, Jerry Jones has turned himself into a TV and movie star.  It’s the ultimate way to buy your way in to super status.

Still, owning the Browns isn’t like owning the Cowboys, is it?  When Jimmy laid out that kazillion dollars, I’ll bet he wasn’t thinking about watching his team slog to a 7-6 win in a two/thirds empty stadium.  Careful what you wish for.  It just might come true.  Welcome to Cleveland.


-Greg Miller


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Posted by on Oct 30 2012. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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