The DEFEND Cleveland Show

CAVS Quarter Season Report


The Browns began with frustration. Just two weeks ago and in response to bad tackling I was yelling things like: I don’t care how gay it feels, just wrap your arms around that man and both of you collapse to the floor! Heavy breathing and sweat, boys! Heavy breathing and sweat!

Now, as the city of Cleveland struggles to come to terms with a three-game winning streak from their beloved American Football Browns, there are those of us who had once been chomping at the bit for the NBA season to get underway (your lovely Defend Cleveland host and myself to start) who now wade in muck and mire and merde.

And I had begun with the intention of doing a virtually game-by-game column on this site (curated by, again, the lovely and bearded Mike James) but played things ginger at the start. I did not take the bait and powder the bottoms of the boys after their first game was a victory over the thrilling Washington Wizards. Then I finished the following unpublished and throbbing piece of sports journalism after the violent loss suffered at the hands of the Chicago Bulls in the Cavaliers second game:

‘Hurricane Sandy came through Cleveland leaving us without power for a well-endowed section of this past week. That night I took my daughter to the neighbors’ who, unbeknownst to themselves and due to having three children, would be spending the next four nights in a hotel. I drove in terrible wind and darkness to the other side of town to get 4 seven pound bags of ice at a drugstore where they had “lost power three times today” according to an excited cashier. I came home and threw my refrigerator’s belongings into a cooler and prepared the backup heat, a skilled professional, watching a gamesman filet a fish. Here, we expect these power outages at least once a year.

The following night we were lucky enough to catch the first Cavaliers game at a relative’s and on a beautiful brand new 60 inch, look at the size of my cock, lcd television. You really fuck what you watch and what better for my wife and I to lay then that home opener against the Washington Wizards. We smoked and high-fived post-coital but I was not able to generate an article, spending the week in and out of coffee shops to charge various pieces of exotic machinery. I could have rattled off a scathing piece in admiration of the young Dion Waiters or the jungle ball of the Deep Brazilian or Kyrie’s continued brewing, bottling, and drinking of his own juice. Instead I found myself grateful to not have over-indulged myself nor the Cavaliers. And if I can take a pass on writing about their first game, I can take a pass on this one too. It’s good advice.’

First, I am sorry. A necessary apology for not getting this piece to you sooner  if only based on how wonderful it is from a professional standpoint. But second and in retrospect, this piece should never have been written. Not in the manner originally intended. The hurricane metaphor proved exceptionally strong but how about a more critical viewpoint that would have raped them for that loss like they are continually raping me today?

I am a virile basketball fan. I have armchaired every game for seasons. I should have seen the lack of anything resembling basketball beyond Kyrie, Dion, and Andy. They are a lovely pyramid. Even our ancient friends of the cosmos would beam. And on a humane level I like a lot of our guys, thinking them capable, if young. But these are not children and we do not need to coddle them based on age and (in)experience. They are professional basketball players. We need to jab them, prod them and ultimately, hold them accountable—you thought I would say fuck them?

If only we could bring the unfamiliar culture of winning back to Cleveland basketball as well as football, but one at a time here. Heavy breathing and sweat, boys. Heavy breathing and sweat.


-Jon Conley


For more great offerings from Jon, follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.


Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

The DC Show with host Mike James airs live every Monday morning from 9am-11:30am on WRUW-FM 91.1 Cleveland, and streams world wide here.


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Posted by on Dec 10 2012. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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