The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Strange UFC 157: A One Act Offering

The Strange UFC 157: A One Act Offering

by: Jon Conley

(Curtains rise. There is a makeshift office on stage, few props are needed. This is largely up to the artistic vision and aesthetic of the director. HOMER sits at his desk looking slightly annoyed and pensive. MILTON enters. leans back in his chair and looks up.)


HOMER: Milton, you bastard.

MILTON: Homer, you old rag, what’s up? Working on something?

HOMER: I want to write about UFC 157.

MILTON: I thought you weren’t watching it…

HOMER: I’m not.

MILTON: …because you’re a shameless historical misogynist—

HOMER: No! Just cut rate. I am not paying for it on pay-per-view. I refuse. But must I write that article? about female fighting? the same one I could write about all female sports?

MILTON: No. I guess n—

HOMER: No, exactly. The point is that I will cuddle up with the prelims.

MILTON: But the prelims are terrible tonight.

HOMER: What’s that?

MILTON: A wash. I said they’re terrible tonight. Like watching limp noodles float in a pot and wrap around one another.

HOMER: Why? A bunch of nobodies?

MILTON: I saw better fights at Panini’s last night.

HOMER: Panini’s? Now we have is tragedy. Look, I know it’s a shame that the UFC fields so many contracts. They’re diluting the supply. They—

MILTON: They’re pissing in it.

HOMER: Whichever. I’m going to watch all of the losers fight in the octagon regardless because it would be a larger shame to eradicate violence from culture completely.

MILTON: Interesting. Why?

HOMER: Picture it. It would get really very weird. More serial killers and cannibals and all that merde. Opi-oids and baby stabbers and father rapers and mother killers. They wore the expression, and bore the stamp, of lower elements in my soul.1

MILTON: From suppressed instincts?

HOMER: Yes, perfect. Suppressed instincts. It’s enough that everyone spends half their time in the digital ether.

MILTON: Half of the prelims are streaming on facebook.

HOMER: Only? I mean exclusively?

MILTON: Yes. Both.

HOMER: Shit. (a long pause, a sniff, then a slur…) Are we not all comingled out of good and evil.2

Curtains close while the end music of every Warner Bros. cartoon plays. Certainly that is all, folks.)


For more great offerings from Jon, follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.


Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

The DC Show with host Mike James airs live every Monday morning from 9am-11:30am on WRUW-FM 91.1 Cleveland, and streams world wide here.

And listen every Friday to “Defend Cleveland Friday with Mike and Joe”  by clicking here, a weekly hour long Cleveland sports podcast companion to the DC Show that’s the best way to end you week, and the only way to begin your weekend.

  1. Misquoting Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde []
  2. Again incorrectly quoting Stevenson []

Short URL:

Posted by on Feb 23 2013. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

Leave a Reply

Log in | Designed by Gabfire themes