The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Taint That a Bitch


In the ninth inning yesterday of what looked to be a series splitting Indians’ victory over the Boston Red Sox, perennial closer Chris Perez suffered an apparent sprain. With a severe but controlled pitch which helped stack the count, Perez came up noticeably hurt with a wince, wobble and new walk.

A mission of priests gathered at the mound to assess the damage where Perez let loose a demonstrative throw. To the sadness of all Perez’s throw went wide left. This is the tell-tale sign of a tain (medical jargon for a taint sprain). When a throw is made by a pitcher with a tain, the toss will undoubtedly go to the side of whichever leg the hurler is left standing on after the wind up.

Before his injury Perez had let the Red Sox back within one run and then filled the bases, a Tribe closing policy implemented in the days of Bob Wickman. Chris Perez interestingly enough is the spawn of Bob Wickman circa 2023 who will use recently invented time jumping machinery (called “Mother’s Little Time Helper”) to head into the past and breed.

Perez stated in post game interviews that he would have gladly taken the lose on his record as he did deserve it but he, along with Tribe management, felt that preservation of the perineum (taint muscle) was of utmost concern. Sportscenter covered the injury but being a class organization they carefully stepped around the words “taint” and “tain”. Perez will undergo a Tain-RI at the Cleveland Clinic this afternoon.


-Jon Conley

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Posted by on May 27 2013. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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