The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Me and Jimmy: An Interview With James Haslam III*



When I last left Jimmy Haslam, he was eating clam chowder with Texas bread while his assistant had the California chicken sandwich. Things have changed in slight thanks to reports of an underground prostitution ring being run out of Pilot Flying Js across the country. In addition, there are recent allegations that Pilot Flying Js have been illegally and exponentially marking up the price of vanilla air fresheners (the scent sells remarkably well in Tennessee and Florida).

Now, under the light of a federal probe, many of us are wondering simple things. Does this put the Cleveland Browns under any scrutiny or ill will? Are there plans being hatched to sell Haslam’s newly acquired football team? Will Jimmy still have access to the diet he is used to in a federal white-collar prison? How will his changed diet affect his mental state and skin condition (like animals, who tend to reveal any illness or sub-par dietary conditions in the development of their coat, humans show it in their skin i.e. meth-addicts)? Will Jimmy Haslam live to fight another day?

Prior to his attendance of last Thursday’s Browns’ camp, I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Haslam at the Tilted Kilt and ask him a few questions regarding the state of the team in the wake of scandal. Being a terse man in all aspects, I needed only transcribe his exact words rather than paraphrase or collage his quotes together to create some sort of contextual meaning that would suffice the general public. I am counting on you, dear readers of the Defend Cleveland Show website, to not be the general public.

Mr. Haslam, first and on behalf of Browns’ fans I would like to thank you for the opportunity to sit down with you for some much needed Q and A following the recent allegations against your company.

Did you see that waitress? Holy holly shit.

Okay. Moving on…

Jim, can I call you Jim?

It’s Jon—

Even better! Jim’s my name.


First let me start by saying that you can’t cook a chicken two ways. Okay, shoot.

Um, alright. You can but—blankly, how do you respond to the charges lobbied against, and the federal probe into, your company, Pilot Flying J?

Horse shit. Next question! Are you drinking?

Not now.

(to a waitress) 2 Bourbons! 2 fingers and 1 cube! (turning back to the table) I fucking love saying that.

Your interview will read like stage directions…

Take fire with water is something we say.

You have recently been very proactive in your attempts to assure the fans that you are positive about the probe and feel that it will in no way affect the team. Do you firmly believe that?

When I was 5, I took a Civil War musket that had been passed down through the generations (not many) to my father and then to me. I took this musket and killed four squirrels in the backyard. Our neighbors down the way soon found that their dog was missing.


You look pensive. So what happened?

I shot their dog, too.

Mr. Haslam, do you feel that this story somehow runs parallel or is allegorical to the current situation?

Shit, I don’t know. Kill four squirrels, eat for a week. Kill one dog, eat for a month.

So you—

Look, I’m not denying that there are issues of social malevolence and malpractice taking place under the watch of Pilot Flying J. With a company the size of this one that counts the in-and-out business of road warriors as its major form of stable revenue, there is bound to be a certain amount of human folly that goes undetected by those looking down on the operation from the control room.

That seems…unusually eloquent in the context of this interview.

But  I’m not finished. I’m not selling cocaine to these truckers. Shit, should I? Whatever. I’m already rich. I don’t make money to make money anymore. I have a lot. A whole lot.

I think the Cleveland public is aware of your assets.

Good. It’s an important part of who I am and by extension, of who your team is now. Look, do you understand that I love game and sport? Do you know that, more than providing influence and direction for my company, I love playing? I am a gamesman? I do not look at these charges as something to dispute, but rather to beat.

The fact that you might actually be coming full circle is blowing my mind.

I love to play the game, to run sport, because I love to win. James Haslam III loves winning and whether it is enticing woman, running a successful truck stop business free of federal corruption, stamping out charges illicit to some employee I probably never met and definitely didn’t have a hand in hiring, or bringing in a top-notch front office and coaching staff to steer that chubby faced boy we have for a quarterback in a semi-winnable direction—I am going to beat it with good ol’ Tennessee guts and American Exceptionalism.

So you’re saying that—

I’m saying that you have nothing to worry about. I’m also saying that whoever finishes his drink last, pays. Don’t look down, I’m done already.

I guess I can pay.

Just kidding. I’m rich as shit and I own a commercially successful football franchise that I’m not selling. And for the record, jail can kiss my ass.

*I have never met Jimmy Haslam


-Jon Conley

 For more great offerings from Jon, follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.


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Posted by on Jul 29 2013. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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