The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Pussification of the NFL, as told by Men of Gentry

pussy

“And what they’re doing to the game,” one man said. “I mean, come on. They’re killing it,” and with killing he slapped the bar top.

“They’re redefining it and it can only harm the game,” said another, the politician among them.

“It’s a pussification, alright?” said the third. “They’re pussify-ing the game.”

“Pussification! A great word,” said the first man, the slapper. “It’s the Pussification of the NFL.”

This is a direct transcription of a conversation I overheard. These meek men, thin-boned, offer this up not alone. This is part of a resounding and collective cry explaining how red-blooded mostly WASP-y men, mostly from the Midwest, seem to view the league’s current concerns with the health issues presented by the NFL’s sometimes physical nature.

How do we stop these athletes from slowly killing themselves (and by slowly I mean at a much quicker rate than most human beings but a much slower rate than, say, high grade bladder cancer) while still fulfilling the public’s need for voyeuristic barbarism? Nom de plume vicarious primalism?

Simple; clean up the lawsuits and award large settlements to former NFL players currently suffering from the effects of long-term head trauma. This will do a few things.  It will show that the NFL is committed to heading in a new direction where concern over the health of the athlete is placed at the helm of the game, like it is with children. It will also show that the concerns of the NFL lie with its players and not with its wallet—or at least foster the image that the league favors humanitarianism over expenditure.

But this is all very much show.

Simple; a grounds up reform and reconfiguration of the system of tackling fundamentals, implementation starting with pee-wee football on through high school and college. Sir, yes, sir. That will work just fine I’m sure, sir.

Simple, leather helmets. Or rather, the return of the highly touted leather helmet. This would also mean a trend of slimming down all lower torso padding and the inevitable doing-away-completely with shoulder padding. This would instinctively restructure the way that football players use their bodies for the game. Think of rugby (according to Wikipedia, rugby, pronounced ruhg-bee, “is a full contact team sport which originated in England in the 19th century” which never caught on in America due to the popular vegetable-based diet used by many of its players) and the way the tackling looks so natural. What’s that? It looks gay? Oh that’s right. It never caught on in America due to rampant rates of homophobia. That’s why we use pads in our tackling game, to create a sufficient barrier for male-to-male contact. Scratch the vegetable bullshit.

Simple; drugs. Not the legalization of marijuana (which I understand is trending right now) but the distribution of heavier drugs to players. Other than performance enhancers, of which we are all morally opposed correct? Don’t stop or start with any specific one. Methamphetamines, opiates, pain killers, muscle relaxers, hallucinogens, depressants, stimulants, glue, etc., all acceptable. Mixing, or “blending” as it will be called, will be widely encouraged. How does the “Dallas Drugstore Cowboys” sound? A certain ring to it? Or the “Cleveland Reds Yellows Browns Blues and Purples”?

Simple, chattel system. Or rather, a true continuation of the NCAA football chattel system. This would allow us to be such removal from the humanity in football. As an escapist culture it’s what we want, we crave, and it’s only a matter of exchanging some labels, nomenclatures and semantics. We will view athletes as Jedi, removed from all emotion, devoid of sexuality and sentimentality. Then we can have our barbarism and humanity, raping and making love at the same time.

*

The third man of the opening conversation, the one to originally spout the term, actually went on to define his argument in slight favor of pussification. However, the conversation had really stopped there. What we’re all as men really and truly afraid of is being women. Not falling prey to crippling mental handicaps that destroy good men, decent powerful men who have dedicated their lives to things they believe are greater, dedicated their lives to the power of sport. What we’re scared of is living with the problems of the present and at times we will mortgage almost anything including our future to dissuade ourselves of that reality.

 

-Jon Conley

 

For more great offerings from Jon, follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.

 

Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

The DC Show with host Mike James airs live every Monday morning from 9am-11:30am on WRUW-FM 91.1 Cleveland, and streams world wide here.

And listen every Friday to “Defend Cleveland Friday with Mike and Joe”  by clicking here, a weekly hour long Cleveland sports podcast companion to the DC Show that’s the best way to end you week, and the only way to begin your weekend.

Short URL: http://www.defendclevelandshow.com/?p=1558

Posted by on Sep 1 2013. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

Leave a Reply

Log in | Designed by Gabfire themes