The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Bye Week Bullshit

bye week zen


Consciousness reports: there is nothing to stream this week, is that nice for you? I have been a little intentionally antagonistic and rude to you as readers and I am nowhere near apologizing for it but maybe I’m not ready for that step in our relationship or maybe you don’t deserve it. We often get much of that which we don’t deserve in this town. Mike James is making a living (kinda) from it—the most amplified sense of job security—the shit cleaner at the hog farm. This week is different though, odd. It interrupts our flow every season. Like eating or snorting as opposed to shooting heroin, the bye week makes us (sortakinda) sick.

We should all be doing what good fans do on the bye week: trying to reach Zen, a little yelp of Taoist Mahayana, but in that process we could do to get a little loose, a little analytical and look back at what we have wickedly accomplished. We got rid of Richardson for what is looking to be a decent draft pick. We have thrown away one-to-several games on Boss Weeden thus far, what a shame, what a damn shame it is that we will never get those back (though there are a lot of things that we relinquish as Browns fans which we can never have back, most obviously hope but also time spent with dying loved ones and hours on hours of meditation/masturbation take your pick). We got tantric with Brian “Boner Killer” Hoyer, riding the orgasm rather than completing it only to have it all derailed, fall apart in our figurative laps. We almost and should have knocked off the faux-King Chiefs. We did some other things too I’m sure…

…and through it all I hope we learned possibly to love ourselves and stop feeling like garbage lids holding back the stench from the world while keeping the prying raccoons at bay because our stinking filth is ours alone. But possibly did we bloom a neoteric belief in defense? though it has often seemed the case that the Browns’ defense is okay as we have had many years where we were supposed to be okay, like any with Andre Davis. One year I saw a young Courtney Brown at a gas station on Bagley Rd. and thought goddam that guy is elephantine and pillage worthy, that is, you could count on him to effectively pillage everything from offensive pockets to tiny villages of Phil Savage warriors. And once at a training camp Alvin McKinley and Orpheus Roye walked past my little brother and I and McKinley put his hand across my brother’s back as he went by and I saw it like a hug—a familial and familiar hug for my brother from one single hand, wrapping around and around like a lunar car.1

Only this time it might be different as the offensive players seem to need only a mediocre quarterback to put up enough points while the defensive ones wear enough confidence (supplemented spunk, sureness, pluck or what is now called swag or swagGER, what have you) for both units. The organization has become a proper stockade for serviceable defensive players over the last few years and these players became efficient enough at the ol’ bendnotbreak before Horton took over. Now they look, like a maid of Sade, sexually jaded and misanthropic, but also sick of bending.

So what now if maybe Horton wasn’t bullshitting when he said that the defense would need about 8 games to get on board with what he wanted to have them doing?2 What if Jason Campbell continues to prove that he has a boring pulse? one that can be counted on but is never too deathly or exciting? What if McGahee starts to look 32 instead of 52? What if we get even better at getting at the opposing quarterback? Before you get ahead of yourselves with the answers, breathe deeply, tiny molemen, and maybe just maybe we can start fucking instead of being fucked.


-Jon Conley

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Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

The DC Show with host Mike James airs live every Monday morning from 9am-11:30am on WRUW-FM 91.1 Cleveland, and streams world wide here.

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  1. A lunar car is one that has registered 238,900 miles or the average distance of the earth to the moon. []
  2. Fact check that shit on your own. I heard it from the mouth of some asshole on 850. []

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Posted by on Nov 11 2013. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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