The Cavaliers Drinking Game
Friday night is in but a few hours and the weather near you is probably so poor that when you step outside the impulse to immediately yell “fuck”, is hard to resist.
You need not leave the house to enjoy this evening. Call some friends over, buy a bunch of Christmas Ale and prepare to get hammered playing the Cavaliers’ Offensive Drinking Game! (I’m not sure I actually recommend doing this as the Cavaliers offense is bad enough that you might literally die. And I mean literally in the original sense, not hyperbolic/exaggeration sense. …Is anyone else sad I have to clarify that?)
For each of the following conditions down a shot of Christmas Ale for whenever they occur unless mentioned otherwise, as some will have slight modifications. Anyway, as my favorite red-clad Italian plumber says when preparing to drive small automated vehicles, here we go!
The 15 Rules of the Cavaliers Drinking Game
1. Anytime a Cavaliers player passes up an open long three point shot only to take a long two, take a shot of Christmas Ale and punch the person next to you in the stomach. This should come close to approximating how I feel when this happens. Video evidence, in case you’re unaware of what this looks like:
2. Anytime Anderson Varejao hits a mid-range jumper or scores off a pick n’ roll, stick your finger in your nose, pull out some boogers, put them in your shot of Christmas Ale, and down it. I know you’re probably wondering, “but Joe…that’s good offense, he scored.”
Apparently the Cavaliers don’t know this though because Andy’s USG%, an estimate of the percentage of plays used by a player while he is on the floor, is down to 12.4% from 18.7% from last year. The Cavaliers were actually pretty good on offense last year with their starting 5 man until Andy went down. Look at his shot chart from this season:
It is a small sample size, sure, but he has been money in those pick n’ pop situations and can finish around the rim. Do this more please. There is no reason he should be seeing the ball this little.1
3. Anytime a Cavaliers player fails an entry pass to Andrew Bynum…bottoms up.
4. If Kyrie Irving dribbles the ball off anyone’s foot, including his own, spill your shot of Christmas Ale all over the floor.
5. When the Cavaliers have a possession where only one player touches the ball and they do not score, regardless of who it is, yell “THE JACK ATTACK IS BACK” and slam your shot of Christmas Ale down your gullet.
6. Whenever there is a shot clock violation on the Cavaliers do your best to reproduce the shot clock violation sound and then shut yourself up with a shot of Christmas Ale.
7. If anyone air balls a shot, boo loudly and then take your shot of Christmas Ale. Take two if it was Anthony Bennett.
8. If Kyrie Irving is on the court and goes three or more possessions in a row without taking a shot, you take a shot of Christmas Ale.
9. Anytime Alonzo Gee and Earl Clark are on the court at the same time, kiss the closest image of LeBron, digital or physical, and take TWO shots of Christmas Ale.
10. Anytime Dion Waiters attempts to finish going left and fails, pick up your shot of Christmas Ale with your left hand and move it towards your mouth at a high velocity, but instead splash it all over your face.
11. Whenever Alonzo Gee misses a corner three, I know he’s been decent on them this year, yell “OH EM GEE”, and proceed to drink.
12. If Sergey Karasev misses any shot, find some vodka and take a shot to make up for his miss.
13. If Tristan Thompson misses a jumper, take a shot with your weak hand.
14. Anytime Mike Brown calls a timeout after a turnover that leads to fast break points take your own timeout, get some more shots lined up, and down one.
15. And the 15th and final rule of the Cavaliers Offensive Drinking Game is if Anthony Bennett makes three or more field goals in a game, chug an entire six pack of Christmas Ale and die happy.
ENJOY! (Seriously, don’t do this)
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- You’re probably wondering at this point, “Joe, why did I just put a booger in my shot of Christmas Ale?” Well, let me tell you a story. I was wrestling at a tournament in the 1st grade and was picking my nose as I sat next to my soon to be opponent. He informed me that my boogers were actually my brain that I was slowly picking out and if I kept doing this I would die. My genius 1st grade self-decided to circumvent this almost certain death by instead of ceasing to pick my nose, eating every booger I picked for the next three or four years in order to maintain my present brain mass. Since drinking kills brain cells, I figured this would help preserve your brain mass throughout this bout of heavy drinking that I’m leading you on. [↩]
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