The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Lakefront Curse

The Cursed

 

I have long believed that the site of the Browns Stadium is resting on an Indian burial ground or some other such cursed land.  It is the only logical explanation for the continued sad sack efforts of an organization that cannot win.  Whatever can go wrong does go wrong with such precision it must be due to grand design. There must be a higher power or Evil Forces beyond our comprehension at work.  Maybe it’s one of those pissed off multi-armed elephant gods from India.  They seem like they could carry a grudge.  How else can you explain each quarterback that is in front of Brandon Weeden being horribly maimed and leaving no other choice than Weeden jogging to the huddle?  Clearly “forces of darkness” are in play and have wagered heavily on the opposition.

You know, when I used to see women barfing in the Muni Lot or in the hallways of Browns Stadium, I thought it was because they drank too many Jager shots with their Bud Lights.  I am now of the opinion that these are actually incidents of possession much like the film “The Exorcist”.  If I go to the game next week, I would not be surprised to see a woman seated in front of me swivel her head completely around and barf pea soup all over me while yelling in a demonic voice “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!!!   With Quincy Morgan!!!”

Jason Campbell, or as he is better known “Lionel Richie”, was almost killed by a savage blindside blitz this afternoon.  Once again, I would like to point out the inherent dangers of having a former R&B singer in his early 60s attempt to play QB in the NFL.  While we can all agree that Mr. Richie is a much better QB than any other current option, it appears that he will most likely end the season in a back brace sipping cool drinks through his wired shut jaw.  I commend him for following his dreams, but there is no way he can stop The Forces of Darkness from putting Brandon Weeden into the game.

Weeden is probably the most hated sports figure in NE Ohio since Bill Belichick cast Bernie aside like a used undershirt.  Weeden is the Destroyer of Hope.  When he came in the first time when Campbell was horribly injured, the crowd let out a collective groan of “Nooooooooo!”.  Each person in that stadium knew what was about to transpire.  We would get The Full Weeden and any chance at victory had gone up in smoke.

The real beauty of the afternoon then revealed itself.  Campbell shakily ran back out onto the field.  Weeden got his poncho back on. Crisis averted?  Midway through the third quarter the forces of evil struck yet again.  Campbell, a mere pawn in this cosmic play, was crushed like a crash test dummy and Weeden trotted back out.  Ye Gods.  Weeden then announced his presence with a fumble and then a backbreaking pick six.  He is a master.  While others may be skilled at oil paints and canvas, or the fluid movements of ballet, Weeden flawlessly takes his team out of contention with an economy of plays. It is truly a thing of wonder.  He is the maestro of the overthrown pass, ill-timed interception, and poor decision.  He is the exact polar opposite of Peyton Manning, and in a way, fans here should feel a sense of awe watching him.  While you will forget Colt McCoy and Brady Quinn, you will never forget Brandon Weeden.

I am not sure what the Browns need to do to turn this thing around.  I think they can move ahead with solid drafts, good free agent signings, and smart business decisions.  But if you are faced with “The Wrath of Kanesh” or “The Curse of the Sioux Dead” or whatever the fuck curse is on them, it’s going to make it tough going.  It may be difficult to gather up enough public support to knock down Browns Stadium and return that area to a pristine natural state and build a new stadium somewhere else.  What about Richfield?  There was supposedly a “miracle” there, right?  There isn’t money to fill potholes, so I recognize that coming up with three billion dollars locally will be a stretch. However, I ask you to dig deep.  If the quarterback anti-Christ isn’t enough to convince you these are End Times, what is?

Go Browns.

 

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

 

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Posted by on Nov 24 2013. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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