The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Imagined Life of Bill Belichick’s Wife as Retro-fitted to Tailor Cheating



The Browns, she thinks, could it be any more embarrassing for him? On the sideline she waits with her hands in the pumper, knuckle over knuckle, shifting sacks of hands, she thinks, what have they ever done good aside from the pointless wins? As if he knows, Bill places his fat palms over the mouthpiece, no note of hallelujah on his mind, and turns to mrs with something in his face like fury but subdued—suggesting a powerful fattened man finished with his greasy dinner as prepared by teenage Shanghai not obtained through trade. He then purses his lips and eyebrows after a particularly embarrassing play for Tom Brady on which he dumped in the right flat for his check-down while Vereen waited like an angel in the left.

19, 3, 19, 3, 19, 3, 19, 3, 3, 3, 3, 19, she thinks over and over and it shows only in her tapping right foot and the impulsive electricity hardening her nipples, an electrical fear no matter how it looks from the outside. There is plenty to make up for this time, so many senilities to make cover up. Again Bill knows, he back to mrs and from fingers looking shiny even in the dry New England air he upturns a pinky and lowers it slowly, simultaneously dangling his gaze away from mrs, and rubs it over his fly twice. 19, 3, she thinks, while Bill mouths ‘refs’ and makes a large O with his lips. The line judges slowly tag out on a system designed to allow bathroom breaks to the officials at specified intervals.




In the locker room following the Patriots’ victory Bill faces his boys with no more smile than he ever has and gingerly gives a speech on conditioning; physical, mental, spiritual, game-planning, play-calling, dietary planning, supplements, gurus, priests, holiday feasts and though short on flair, not short on the harrowing reminder that they earned it, the players really earned it, the organization—earned it. All the while mrs, with the words ‘pass interference’ on endless loop inside, brushes her teeth in a restroom almost reserved for her with a sign reading ‘ladies’ but as Bill reminds her ‘it should say whores’.


-Jon Conley

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Posted by on Dec 8 2013. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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