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Browns End Season



And that is that…  The Browns season ended like we all knew it would.  Everything is totally fucked up as usual.  It’s a shame that the “real media” doesn’t cover the team with more honesty.  There is too much pussy footing around.  Someone needs to just lay it all out there.  Here’s the article that needs to run in Monday’s newspaper…


(AP)  PITTSBURGH –  The Browns had their dicks knocked into the dirt at Pittsburgh yesterday, as the Steelers shoved them around like children as they have since approximately 1975.  The Browns, eager to end the disastrous season, had their vacation bags packed even before entering PNC Stadium and spent most of the day trying not to get hurt.  Most of the players looked forward to the conclusion of this final game, and hoped to be fellated in the back of nightclubs and hotel rooms by anonymous blondes in much warmer climates by Monday evening.

“Yeah, this season pretty much sucked.  The good news is that I am a free agent next year and with any luck whatsoever I will be able to get out of here and wash the stink of this place off of me.  I plan on saying all the right things to the media, but unless I am showered with more money than an Arab oil sheikh, I am so out of here.  Do you think my dream was to play for some shit team in the NFL?  No way, my dream was to win a Super Bowl on the West Coast somewhere.  Can you give me a ride to the airport?”, said Browns center Alex Mack.

The Browns will change directions yet again, as reports indicate that coach Rob Chudzinski will be fired on Monday.  Many NFL sources pointed to Browns ownership’s dissatisfaction with the seven straight losses to end the season despite their obvious intention from the outset to tank the season to improve their draft position.  Browns owner Jimmy Haslam emerged from a spider hole in the PNC turf after the game in a fake mustache and Colonel Sanders outfit to assure the press “We run an above board franchise just like my truck stops.  Also, while you are all here, can I interest anyone in an Oak Ridge Boys CD, off-brand CB Radio, or some jerky? Oh, and if you make a purchase, don’t check your receipt…”

This off-season will be focused on finding a franchise quarterback and some sort of direction, as it has since 1999.  Joe Banner assured fans “We look forward to drafting the wrong guy in April and setting this franchise back another five years.  The good news is that we will probably draft someone you haven’t even considered, as I will do everything in my power to be a contrarian as I did while I was in Philadelphia.  May I remind everyone that I am smarter than you, and I don’t know why I even have to speak with anyone in the media.  Can you all avert direct eye contact with me from this point on?  By the way, do you think Chip Kelly wants to come here yet?”

While fan favorite Brandon Weeden has probably worn a Browns uniform for the last time, the team may yet retain yesterday’s starter Jason Campbell.  “I’m glad I was able to provide fans the illusion that I was a legitimate NFL quarterback before settling in to being the Jason Campbell NFL fans have seen fail as a Redskin, Raider, and Bear.  I have loved under throwing receivers here, and hope to do so next year when the underperforming rookie quarterback the team drafts is injured and knocked out for the season with some injury that will prove the be career ending.  I think I can pick up the majority of my yardage in garbage time next year, just like I did in 2013.  The sky is the limit.”, said Campbell.

The Browns will send five players to the Pro Bowl next month, football’s highest honor.  While it was surprising that a 4-12 team sent five players to this All-Star contest, receiver Josh Gordon reminded fans, “The only guys that want to deal with the bullshit of having to do all the press and PR are guys that have never been to Hawaii before.  I’ve never been, so I’m looking forward to getting over there and trying some of that weed I have heard so much about.  With luck I can get suspended for next year so I can watch whatever NFL castoffs the team signs try to make a catch or two.”

Perhaps “Touchdown Maker” Edwin Baker said it best when he said, “I played my ass off cause I just want a job in the NFL.  I’m just happy I could do that while helping the Steelers try to make the Playoffs again.  I’m just sorry that we came up short.  I apologize to the people of Pittsburgh. I will say it’s great to continue the Browns tradition of being bottom dwellers since 1999.”

The Browns want to remind fans that season ticket money is due right fucking now and they should pay up as soon as possible or risk missing another exciting 4-12 season on the lakefront.  The team guarantees more broken dreams and empty promises in 2014.

-Greg Miller
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Posted by on Dec 29 2013. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

2 Comments for “Browns End Season”

  1. Doug

    Greg, you always bring a tear to my eye…

  2. dead fucking on

    i have re-read this 4 times. you should give it to that ‘factory of sadness’ guy to read it on youtube… make it viral.

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