The DEFEND Cleveland Show

As The Browns Turn…

It is always a mistake to assume things can’t possibly become more fucked up in Berea at Browns HQ. The Browns are so completely dysfunctional, they make the Manson Family seem like the Waltons.  The announcement of the firing of Lombardi and Banner today came much like most announcements come from the Browns. Most normal people see the news, blink, and say to themselves “that can’t be right.  Let me take that information in again.”  Oh no, you read that right. After owner and apparent mental patient Jimmy Haslam spent the last few weeks flying around in a private plane interviewing coaches with Banner and Lombardi, he fires them so the new coach can work with a GM he doesn’t know and may not see eye-to-eye with… hmmmm… To review, Jimmy Haslam relied upon the experience and decision making ability of Banner and Lombardi to hire a coach.  Then, two weeks later, decides he does not trust their expertise and cuts them loose.  If I were the Browns new coach, whatever the fuck that guy’s name is, I would “rent” and not “buy”.  The chance of a new NFL GM keeping “their guy” as coach is almost none.  He is itching to hire “his guy”.  The good news for Pettine is that he will be paid to do nothing by late December of 2014 until his contract runs out.  This will enable him the free time necessary to spend afternoons jacking off to the internet and becoming a great recreational golfer. Fore!

There will be much speculation to try and understand the events that have transpired with the Browns.  This is a complete waste of time. It is like trying to understand string theory, learn Mandarin Chinese, or the popularity of Transformer movies.   Some things are meant to be beyond human understanding, even to the deepest of thinkers. There is already a report circulating that when the Dalai Lama heard the news today, he quickly said “What the fuck?” until composing himself and muttering something about butterflies and the wind.

The outcome with the Browns is always the same. Utter failure. This does not prevent the annual press conferences with whatever short term hire takes the podium to reference “the rich tradition” here in Cleveland. Winning a title 50 years ago isn’t “a rich tradition”, it is a complete embarrassment and testament to continued failure.  The Browns have a “rich tradition” like Adam Sandler has a “rich tradition” of cinematic excellence, Dave Mathews has a “rich tradition” of rocking out, and Mexico has a “rich tradition” of crime prevention. Can those assholes in Berea just stop with that bullshit already? How about saying, “We have sucked since 1965, but REALLY sucked since 1999.  If we can keep a plan together for more than two years, we might win some games. Well, that is assuming if we stumbled into the right plan. We have tried almost everything and none of that shit has worked yet, but maybe this time it will…  Hey, I don’t know how the Patriots do it either… Ladies and gentleman… Ray Farmer our new GM.”

I urge you to look upon the Browns like a reality TV show and not a spiritual extension of the city. If you compare this madness to Real Housewives or the Kardashians, it’s not too bad. When the comparison is made to a real sports franchise or a legitimate place of business, that’s when it will drive you crazy.  The team should be dissolved, the stadium razed, and the land given back to the residents that have foolhardily supported this nonsense year after year. There is no chance the Browns will be successful next year or the year after that. It is a culture of failure headed up by complete incompetents.  The team is doomed.

I think we can agree that of all the teams in the city, the Indians are closest to a championship. Pitchers and catchers reported to Goodyear today. That’s great news. The bad news? Vegas has the Indians as a 33-1 shot at winning the Series. That’s your best shot Cleveland. 33-1…

Go Tribe.
-Greg Miller
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Posted by on Feb 11 2014. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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