The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Browns Draft Part 2

Within 20 hours the Browns magical off season has already turned sour.  This is, of course, a true testament to the hopelessness of trying to create a winning football team on the doomed shores of Lake Erie.  There are those that doubt a curse.  There are those that doubt that Cleveland Browns Stadium was built on an Indian Burial Ground where the bones of the native Americans were used to make bone necklaces sold by street urchins to drunk suburbanites on their way into the Dawg Pound.  I understand that. However, there is no dispute that the Cleveland Browns are the most dysfunctional sports franchise in America at this moment.

First of all, let me point out that I am not angry.  Far from it.  I am actually pleased beyond measure.  Yesterday I thought that I would only be able to make cheap shots about Johnny Manziel all season.  Now when I find out that Josh Gordon, without question the Browns most impactful player, will be suspended the entire season because he smoked weed, I stare at this franchise in wonder and amazement.  The Cleveland Browns make the Los Angeles Clippers look like a well run family business.  They are so totally incredible, it seems impossible that the guy that owns them has been successful at anything prior to this.  Of course, selling Oak Ridge Boys cassettes and Slim Jims while skimming off gas discounts doesn’t prepare you for wrangling dumb fuck twenty year old football players, I would have thought that some skills would translate.

I thought wrong.

Yesterday the Browns knew that Josh Gordon did the one exact thing he was not allowed to do to continue to play in the NFL.  Josh Gordon got caught smoking weed.  Based on everything I have ever read from ex-players in the NFL, this is almost impossible to accomplish unless you are a complete dumb fuck.  I think we can agree, it is hard to debate the intellectual abilities of Josh Gordon.  Unless there is a term paper floating around Baylor University that Josh wrote about string theory, I am guessing that Josh is a “party now, worry later” kind of guy.  He wasn’t known for his way around the classroom if you get my drift…

I’m a pretty socially liberal guy.  Personally I think if a guy that has to deal with constant pain management and wants/needs to smoke some marijuana to deal with it as opposed to taking some corporate produced pills to accomplish the same task, there is no reason why he can’t do so.  Toss into the mix that it is legal to do so in many states, and it seems ridiculous that the league drops the hammer on these guys.  However, that’s the deal.  Josh should have exhibited just an iota of judgement.  Is he aware of a product called vodka?  Can someone introduce him to a Russian?  A Pole?  Can he rent a nice little two bedroom in Parma?

Let’s assume the Browns knew this all went down.  Their best player is gone.  Poof.  The offense is gone.  They then decide the move to make is to pass on a consensus 5 star receiver in Sammy Watkins and trade down for a CB?  Ummm….  Would that be the area of greatest need after their slot receiver went crazy and deep threat Pro Bowl WR got banned for a year?  I must not be as bright as these fellas that have spent their lives in weight rooms and football fields.  I remember how deep thinking most of the guys that played football in college were at Kent.  Most of the guys on the offensive line made extra money tutoring other students if I recall correctly.  Curious minds abound in football.  All was not lost in the Browns draft though.  The good news is that they have a second round pick where they decided to go draft a… tackle.  Well, that seems ill advised doesn’t it?

The Browns decide that John W. Football was their pillar of the future.  He is The Guy.  Clearly to succeed, it will be important to surround him with offensive weapons.  That’s why they decide to move ahead without any real skill position players, because obviously they are absolutely fucking stacked with Greg Little and Fozzy Whittaker.  Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.

So let’s go the other way…  The Browns didn’t know.  That line of thinking seems rather natural in that they were the only ones in on the East Coast that appeared to be unaware that Devon Bess was a crazy Rastafarian that would self implode.  Bell boys on South Beach knew more about Devon Bess being crazy than the Browns “Head of Security”.  I know a guy that couldn’t get a job selling ads because he had too many speeding tickets and the Browns didn’t figure out a guy that got hauled out of his apartment in a straight jacket might be at risk at a high pressure job in the NFL.  That right there is the Magic of the Cleveland Browns!  It is staggering incompetence on display for all of America to look at and nudge each other at bar stools while saying “what a bunch of dumb asses”.

Hey Cleveland!  The party is over.  Was that the fastest fall from grace of all time?  Has there ever been an organization more at the ready to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?  Has there ever been a team more exciting to watch for their failures on an organizational basis?  They are the absolute most interesting franchise in sports. C’mon… You know the words!  “Fucking Browns…”

Go Browns.
-Greg Miller
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Posted by on May 9 2014. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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