The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Johnny Manziel Era Has Begun…

JohnnyCleveland

 

It has come together as I have foreseen.  With one pick, the Browns have placed themselves back on the NFL landscape.  For one frightening moment it appeared as if The Doomsday Scenario of Manziel to the Cowboys was actually going to happen.  The specter of moment to moment coverage of each movement of either Tony Romo and/or Johnny Manziel with howls of protest each time Romo missed a pass completion in practice was very real.  The only channel that would not have devoted a 24 hour crawl to the drama would have been The Cooking Channel, and that’s only because they couldn’t monetize it to Proctor Gamble somehow.  We will look back on that moment years from now with the same sense of relief and wonder that we gaze back at The Cuban Missile Crisis.  I wonder if there is a black and white photograph of Jerry Jones staring out a window in deep contemplation…

The good news for all of us is that John W. Football Jr. is now locked in to play QB for the Browns.  Browns fans have already worked themselves into a frenzy of “What If?” scenarios in their minds.  Johnny throwing impossible touchdown passes into the Dawg Pound while the clock expires.  Johnny running safely out of the grasp of scary monster defenders and scooting into the end zone.  Playoff appearances.  Gulp.  The Super Bowl.  He’s a winner.  He’s got that “It” factor.  It’s our time.

I’m a bit more pragmatic.  I know this will only end in disaster.  There will be immense heartbreak for the fans of NE Ohio once again, as there always must be.  The only question in my mind becomes how this terrible scenario will play out.  Let’s all dispose of the idea that any of the good times will last.  It didn’t for Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Brandon Weeden (R.I.P), Trent Richardson, Braylon Edwards, William Green, Courtney Brown, or any other high profile “can’t miss” player that has ever been brought here.  I mean, Barkevious Mingo almost lost a lung in his first preseason game here.  Where else does that happen?  Being drafted first in Cleveland is like a terrible curse delivered by a withered gypsy woman.  Sure, they say Joe Thomas is really good, but if he’s so good how come the Browns can never run the ball and each quarterback exits each season with injuries worse than most horrific car accidents?  Let’s wrap our arms around the fact that it won’t work out for Manziel.  It sucks, but that’s just the way of things.

I’m still VERY excited though.  The fact is that this circus is almost impossible to be boring.  The worst part about the Browns pre-Weeden is that they sucked and were soul crushingly boring.  Weeden brought that “Oh My God!   Did you see what that fucking guy just did!” excitement back to Cleveland, although admittedly in a completely negative manner.   It seems impossible that Manziel will be boring.  It can play out a few ways…

  1. Manziel pulls out a few games early in his diminutive magician way before having both legs snapped like match sticks and spends the rest of his life in leg braces signing footballs at card shows.

  2. Manziel sucks so badly it makes us all forget about Weeden.  He throws horrible pick six interceptions turning routine losses into routs more akin to prison rapes.  Fat guys in Manziel jerseys sit with grim acceptance in the rain, the rain drops mixed with their tears, streaking their face paint.

  3. Manziel is the real fucking deal, and is the most electrifying football player since Jim Brown.  He inserts his penis into every attractive female in the region as he wins games with style and grace.  He builds a house downtown on a giant mountain of cocaine.  He plays blackjack at the Horseshoe Casino every Monday night and never loses a hand.  A giant statue is erected of him on the lakefront in a Christ like pose holding two enormous windmills that provide enough power to allow all of NE Ohio to forever rid themselves of gasoline and coal.  It is never cloudy.  Unicorns graze in all available green space.  Men and women alike all change their names to “Johnny”.  There is no reason to dream because reality is so far beyond anything of imagination.

The only fear I have is that Johnny emerges to be a slightly below average quarterback.  The greatest letdown of all time would be Monday mornings of “The Browns lost to Baltimore 24-10 on Sunday.  Manziel was never able to truly find his rhythm as the young QB went 18-36 for 198 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions.  “I hope to learn from this and see if I can keep getting better.” said the downtrodden QB.  The Browns are now 3-9 and seem to be getting ready for next year’s draft.”

It will end badly.  It always does.  I hope he can get here without being swept up in a tornado, eaten by a giant squid, or gunned down in a Mexican drug cartel shootout.  The kid is playing with fire signing on as a Brown.  Hell, he already probably contracted a staph infection putting that Browns ballcap on.  I won’t let it get me down.  At least something is going to happen, and that is so much better than “same old fucking Browns”.

Go Browns.

 
 
-Greg Miller
 
Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

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Posted by on May 9 2014. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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