Special Needs Hoyer
The Browns appear capable of anything. The amazing ass kicking of the Bengals on the road quickly turned into the amazing ass kicking received by the Texans at home. This team can go out and beat anyone. Unfortunately they can also lose to anyone. It is hard to wrap the head around the idea that the same team that manhandled Cincinnati and Pittsburgh was shoved around by Jacksonville and Houston. This is the “Any Given Sunday” axiom taken to the furthest most extreme. There are a few basic rules that most people in Cleveland appear to have forgotten with this unexpected rush of success from the Browns.
It is always important to remember that whenever a Cleveland team is poised for success, a catastrophic failure is on the horizon. The larger the possible success, the greater the catastrophe. About a week ago it was all backslaps, handjobs, and squirreling away money for Playoff tickets. This was the first sign that an immediate letdown was in store for Sunday. How could we have not known? Optimistic fans had the team winning the next three after Cincinnati and sitting pretty at 9-3. Now the specter of going 0-3 through these games seems possible. Atlanta in the dome is no cakewalk, and the Bills are a scrappy team. (Alert. I expect that Cleveland v Buffalo game to be the most unwatchable game of the season, making that Oakland game seem like watching Willy Wonka on mushrooms by comparison.)
I have this sneaking suspicion that the season could somehow end in 8-8 with plenty of finger pointing to go around. This is the NFL. Teams win games they aren’t supposed to every week. Who had St Louis kicking the crap out of Denver yesterday? Show of hands? The Browns could lose to the Falcons and Bills, beat Indy and Cincy, and then collapse at the end vs Carolina and Baltimore. Bam. 8-8. See you at training camp. Let the QB controversy get going again… “If we had played Manziel, we woulda beat (Fill In Name Of Team) and gone to the Fucking Playoffs. Fucking Hoyer. Fucking Browns.”
Hoyer looked shitty just like he does when the Browns can’t run the ball. That’s the deal. If Hoyer doesn’t get anyone interested in play action fakes, he is going to look just like a career backup QB out there. He had a rough go of it. That hit Cushing laid on Hoyer was brutal. I would imagine that during film sessions today a coach probably said something along the lines of “In the future, we might want to block that giant violent fast guy before he almost kills Brian.” Also worthy of note was how quickly Hoyer got up, despite probably losing a tooth and bleeding internally. He knows that if Manziel gets in and stumbles into success, he’s out and that payday he is so tantalizingly close to is gone. Let’s be clear though. Manziel will not be an upgrade over Hoyer at this point. Running Manziel out there is like you lose Hoyer’s head and keep his body out there. Manziel is like a retarded Hoyer. I’m sorry. Was that politically incorrect? Is it “Special Needs Hoyer”? I can’t keep that stuff straight. Neither guy has a monster arm to extend the field, so at least with Hoyer the ball is getting released to the right guy quickly. Sure, sometimes that quickly released ball is only in the general neighborhood of the intended receiver, but think of it this way; 40% of the time it will get there. Hey, it’s better than Weeden.
The real issue with the Browns are all the injuries on both sides of the line. I don’t think they can stop anyone from controlling the line of scrimmage, and that’s bad. A signal that the lines might be an issue is getting shoved around by the Houston Texans at home. These next few weeks look like the opponent stringing together long drives of five yard runs, and then Hoyer will be flinging passes around while hoping to not have his spine broken like Tony Romo when the Browns have the ball. I foresee ugly people in Browns jerseys on TV holding their arms out in disbelief while Hoyer jogs off the field after a three and out. I see guys in local bars pounding their fists on tables saying obvious things like “You gotta make that tackle!” as if the guys on the field were not attempting to do just that. It’s grim. The Browns are going to have to sniff around some pretty dodgy castoffs to fill out the roster. Hell, if I can put on 70 pounds this week, I’m going to try out. I’m going to swing by Outback and get one of those Bloomin’ Onions. That’s a step in the right direction. How hard can it be for a wildly overweight me to keep Mario Williams out of the backfield? There’s probably some online video I can watch regarding technique and foot work and all that shit. I can bench 150 pounds give or take, so I can probably deal with Williams once I get my hands on him. Of course if I fail, Hoyer will breathe out of a straw for the rest of his life and we will all see if Manziel can play.
I am concerned. The team went from first to last in three hours. Vegas now has the Browns as the long shot to win the division. Then again, when has Vegas been right? Oh… Always? Uh-oh.
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