The Mercury Milan of Quarterbacks
We stand on the precipice of the start of the John W. Football Era here in Cleveland. Every knee jerk blowhard fan in town wants John W. Football Jr. behind center this week when the Browns take their probable asskicking from the Colts. This makes no sense whatsoever on the surface. If you were to say to most jackass fans that Hoyer would lead the team to be 7-5 by week 12 and have a real shot at the Playoffs with four left to play back in August, John W. Football would have been left in peace to fistfight his way through all the lame nightclubs in Cleveland without even a press conference. It’s very odd that Browns fans have found a hometown guy with limited athleticism that somehow finds a way to win and yet don’t seem very interested in seeing him through. They loved Kosar and Sipe. They just don’t love Hoyer. Apparently results are not as enticing as possibilities…
This is not to suggest that Hoyer is the second coming of Bernie Kosar. He’s probably a different version of Kyle Orton or Ryan Fitzpatrick, two other quarterbacks that have had success but then later castoff for prettier girls at the dance. The problem appears to be that Browns fans want to compare Hoyer to Rogers/Brady/Manning and note his shortcomings. What they really need to do is compare him to Bortles/Carr/Bridgewater as that is the level of performance John W. Football will give you at best. Remember when Orton was castoff in Denver for sexy young Tim Tebow? Tebow has now spent a few years behind a mic and gelling his hair while Orton is somehow still winning meaningful games in the NFL.
The decision on this alleged Browns QB Controversy is really about deciding if the team wants to try to win or evaluate if they need to draft yet another QB this Spring. Clearly Hoyer is not their guy. That’s the problem if you are the 18-24th best guy on the planet at playing QB. You are good enough to win some games but the team always wants to upgrade. Brian Hoyer is perceived as a Mercury Milan. I’m not saying that he is, but perception is reality. Nobody wants to drive a Mercury Milan. When passing someone driving a Mercury Milan, note that they are ugly, smoking heavily, driving slowly in the left lane, and have accepted their fate as gum on the shoe of life. Manziel is that fast as shit looking kit car in the garage your fuck up brother-in-law built that hasn’t actually started yet. It looks like it will blow that Milan away, so the impulse is to start it and hit the road despite the very real gnawing feeling deep in your gut that this will end in flaming disaster.
The Browns are in a precarious situation. Hoyer has looked really bad the last month. Other teams took the blueprint established by the Jacksonville Jaguars (did I really just type that?) and stuffed the run. Once the run is stopped, the Browns play action becomes “look out, we might just hand it to this guy and get two yards on your ass”. This does not strike fear into defensive secondaries, hence Hoyer can’t find those “how the fuck did that guy get so open” plays he had when leaves were on the trees. Having a guy playing center that is mildly qualified isn’t good either. Yet, the Browns could still sneak into the playoffs. How can the team ignore that?
The last time the Browns made the playoffs was 1978. Look it up. Elvis was King. The kids were dancing The Twist. We had just put a man on the moon. Ford made the automobile affordable via the assembly line. The Miracle On Ice. Gone With The Wind. Dr. Martin Luther King made his legendary Gettysburg Address. It was a Golden Age. How can the team toss away finally being in position to make the playoffs to throw an untested rookie in at QB? Is there any reason to believe he gives the team a better chance to win than the guy that already has produced the best season in recent memory? While last Sunday John W. Football went right down the field in garbage time, he also looked a lot like I would probably look at QB in the NFL when he got pancaked and fumbled in his own end zone on the next possession.
It seems to me that the Browns have to see this unexpected season through with Hoyer. Once eliminated from contention, it seems prudent to start Manziel and see what’s under that hood. They aren’t keeping Hoyer. The Browns don’t see themselves as Mercury Milan drivers, but it’s worth seeing where it will take them. Hell, the Chicago Bears had Rex Grossman take them to the Super Bowl, and he’s a Ford Pinto at best. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. After the season, the Browns will hit the used car lot. Again. And a new jersey will be on sale in the team shop.
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