Browns Raiders Didn’t Quite Go As Planned
Most Browns fans had chalked up the Raiders game as a win. The Raiders have reliably served as the one franchise more dysfunctional than the Browns providing the opportunity for grown men in rubber dog masks to laugh at grown men in Darth Vadar outfits. Men in rubber dog masks should never laugh at anyone. These men should be sat down and quietly explained the facts that they have devoted their enthusiasm and weekends to a team that will never reward them with victory. Ever. Hey, I suppose it is really fun to get drunk and carry on in a rubber dog mask. Why do it here though? Get the boys, re-paint that RV into another team’s colors and take a roadtrip. Rubber dog masks have as much to do with the 2015 Browns as they do the Lions or Bills. Shoot over to Niagara Falls, check out some wax museums, and get loaded at the Bills game while barking in the dog mask. The Bills at least have a 50/50 shot at winning. You’ll have more fun.
Much was made of the fact that the Raiders last won in Cleveland in 1985. This appears to indicate the Browns are a dominant home team, but actually is more reflective of how seldom the Raiders have come to Cleveland. As a basic rule, if a team has not won here in Cleveland for a specific amount of time, that means that team has not actually traveled to Cleveland during that time period. The only potential home advantage the Browns have is if the opposition stays at a hotel attached to Tower City, in which case they run the risk of getting knifed by teenage thugs if they walk past the Tower City Cinema. Otherwise the drunk assholes in the end zone of Browns Stadium are just like every other town’s drunk assholes in the end zone. That league wide “game presentation” PA announcement of “IT’S THIRD DOWN!!!!!” doesn’t have any real impact, though maybe if the Browns added that lame panther growl they do in Carolina it might help. I don’t think the Dawg Pound ™ is intimidating anyone. Example, it didn’t appear that Amari Cooper was rattled as he ran like a gazelle through the Browns secondary whenever he felt like stretching his legs.
That brings up the area of greatest concern for this current Browns regime. The team has allegedly been constructed to run the ball and stop the run. While this strategy will definitely work if the team can build a time machine and pop back to 1985 prior to the NFL becoming a passing league, there has been a lack of results on the field. Of course, it has been difficult to see if this plan of action will work as the defense seems unable to tackle anyone and execute the plan. Future trivia question Latavus Murray looked like Emmit Smith as he sliced through the guys in turd colored uniforms that were busy “playing like Browns”. All of this would pretty much be business as usual, but those guys on the defense spent most of the summer shooting off their mouths about how badass they were. Donte Witner might want to make a few tackles. Joe Haden is not Revis Island. Haden couldn’t get to Revis Island on a FunJet charter. What are the names of the Browns linebackers? I can’t recall hearing their names called. Do any of those guys except Dansby play in the games?
The offense has three first round picks on the line. Each week the Browns opposition moves the ball at will while the Browns are unable to reliably run the ball. It’s very confusing. They have spent the last two years talking about running the ball. They just can’t run the ball. Joe Thomas is supposed to be the best lineman of all time. Why can’t they run the ball at will on his side? The last time the Browns converted a third and one run for a first down was when Leroy Kelly was on the team. I saw the footage. It was really kickass.
There will be plenty of wasted time talking about McCown vs John W. Football at quarterback. That makes no difference to wins and losses. McCown is a slightly below average QB. This should come as no surprise because he has bounced around the league in the role of “the guy who isn’t as good as the other guy we start”. It isn’t like the rest of the league didn’t know what was going on with McCown and the Browns found some amazing player under the radar. McCown was just lucky enough to stumble into a situation where it became “we should start that McCown guy because that little guy can’t play at all and I think he was wasted at all the meetings last year”. There aren’t many situations where a 36 year old crummy QB can start, but he sure found one here. It’s a bit much to ask Josh McCown to become Ken Stabler and go 99 yards in a minute with the skill players on the team. Big money free agent receiver Dwayne Bowe did appear ready to strike though. Like a fucking mongoose.
The myth the 2015 Browns were trying to sell was a stingy defense and a game manager at QB would win low scoring physical games. This seems like the football equivalent of sitting in a poker game with a pair of sevens hoping you will somehow take the pot. The dream of the 2015 Browns playing hard nosed Woody Hayes football looks dead. They run for 86 yards a game. They give up 4.9 a carry to opponents. The plan appears to be to roll with a poor defense and hope the crappy offense can score a shitload of points despite not being able to run. Hmm. Granted, I don’t have the vast scope of understanding football as the crew that brought in Gilbert, Mingo, Taylor, etc. to execute this plan. I would have thought that not having defensive playmakers would have been an issue. What do I know? I’m just a guy watching the same thing over and over and over and over with the Browns. Play like a Brown.
Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/
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