The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Browns Beat Ravens? Really?

Browns Beat Ravens Really

I saw one play of the Browns game yesterday, the game winning field goal.  I was driving back from Chicago and I listened to the radio call of the game.  While this “theater of the mind” was better than nothing, I did have to put up with Browns play-by-play guy Jim Donovan consistently refer to Duke Johnson as “The Duke” and Isiah Crowell as “The Crow”.  I have never heard anyone refer to these guys by these nicknames in the general public, so I would suggest that Donovan just fucking stop it.  These are the most annoyingly obvious nicknames not made up by baseball guys.  All baseball managers seem to think it is a good idea to just add “y” to all players names as a way to demonstrate a real love for “the guys”.  I would suggest that Donovan start talking about “Crowy” and “Dukey” immediately, though it may require a dip cup to be completely authentic.  I also think Skoal would be an awesome Browns Radio Network sponsor.  “It’s time for the Skoal Bandit kickoff… If a Brown returns the kickoff for a touchdown, you could be the lucky fan that wins a year’s supply of Skoal Bandits.  This week it is Mary Jane Jenkins of Parma… Skoal Bandits!  Now in pink for ladies…  And here comes the kick!”

That was a big win for the Browns.  Yes Baltimore has about as many healthy men as the Germans did during the fall of Berlin, but a win is a win.  Most Browns fans had assumed they would never see a win in Baltimore during their lifetimes.  This was a reasonable line of thought.  It helped that Baltimore had a parking lot attendant playing slot receiver, but once again I stress a win is a win.  The Browns defense once again failed to play any defense, much less to their boastful pre-season level of excellence.  Man, those guys really suck.  I think they allowed 189 yards rushing to some kid that drove over from Maryland Eastern Shore after he saw a Ravens post for a running back on Craig’s List.  Once again, a win is a win.

It is hard to get my arms around the idea that Josh McCown is the record holder for regular season single game passing yards.  Who saw that coming?  I saw McCown at training camp and thought “Well, that certainly looks like an NFL quarterback but by God he’s no Kelly Holcomb.  He clearly doesn’t have the moxie of Derek Anderson.  There isn’t the raw athleticism of a young Charlie Frye.  I don’t know if he could hold the shoulder pads of that dreamy Brady Quinn.  There is no way possible he can shovel pass like all time great Brandon Weeden.”.  This goes to show what I know.  McCown has now catapulted way beyond that Hall of Heroes into sheer legend.  All hail Josh, the greatest Browns QB of the century!

While that seems facetious, it is the truth.  The Browns should keep this guy in a plastic bubble until game time and see if they can milk a few years out of him.  Put him in one of those tubes that Michael Jackson slept in.  McCown hasn’t played too many games in the league despite being 36, so maybe they can get a Rich Gannon situation of “old guy being really good for three years”.  The key is to avoid having to draft college QB Crappy McShitty with pick #8 next year.    With the Browns luck I am fully expecting a press release in the next few weeks along these lines:  “Browns QB Josh McCown Doubtful Sunday, Prepares For Heroic Battle with Dengue Fever.   Manziel/Chomps Also Stricken.”

So the pendulum swings on the Browns season yet again.  With a loss last Sunday they go to 1-4, season down the drain, and maybe look at firing coaches.  They might have hung bodies from flagpoles in Berea in effigy.  Who knows what kind of bad craziness would have happened.  I was envisioning a wild eyed panic involving painted faces and machetes.  Heads on pikes.  A shaved head Jimmy Haslam mumbling “Are my methods unsound?” to Mary Kay Cabot at a fireside press conference while she says in a shaky voice back “Method?  I don’t see any method at all sir.”.  With one kick all of that was avoided.  Now they are 2-3 with fan shit talk focused on “if we hadn’t had that penalty in San Diego, we’d be 3-2 right now”.  That should fade nicely midweek into “Peyton Manning is over the hill.  Denver is 5-0, but they should be 1-4.  I think we win this week and get in the Wild Card hunt.”.  This is the beauty of the NFL.  Wild over reaction each week.  Suicide watch one week leads to Super Bowl trip planning the next week.    

These games really highlight the razor thin line between being a noteworthy team and one of the pack.  The Lions were in the playoffs last year and now there is open conversation about feeding Matthew Stafford to the pigs in some sort of pagan revenge ritual after their 0-5 start.  It’s a brutal sport.  Most teams are one or two injuries away from being a complete disaster.  (See Ravens, Baltimore)  The Browns are most certainly a six win team, give or take one win in either direction.  All I know is if McCown can get past that dengue fever we’ve got a real chance against Denver.  I heard Manning is over the hill…

Go Browns.

 

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

 

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Posted by on Oct 12 2015. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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