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Browns Offseason Gets Better Already

Browns Off Season Gets Better Already

Two days ago it appeared the Browns were headed towards rock bottom with a 3-13 season and speculation that they might fire the coach and/or GM.  It is always refreshing to learn that with the Browns there is no such thing as “rock bottom”.  It just drops into the depths further and further like some sort of J.R. Tolkien bottomless pit where dragons and shit fly out.  It’s a Pandora’s Box of insanity with no way to shut the lid.  It never ends.  It only gets better and better.  Whatever completely outrageous scenario that you can imagine will be soundly trumped by the real outrageous scenario.  Berea is the most exciting sports city in America.

Two days ago, did this seem possible?  The Browns truck stop owner would fire Pettine and Farmer, have his wife inserted prominently out front on management, promote a lawyer with no football experience to have final say in personnel, hire a baseball executive to oversee everything, and John “Billy” Football would be seen in Vegas in a blonde wig and glasses the night before the Pittsburgh game?  Each one of these events on their own would raise eyebrows on another sports franchise.  This all happened in the last two days in Cleveland.  All of it.  And it doesn’t even seem that weird.   

I will once again maintain that the actual games are the least interesting part of the Cleveland Browns.  This is the real time of year Browns fans wait for, the organizational dysfunction that make the team and all involved a laughingstock.  I have this image in my mind of Ozzie Newsome and the Ravens front office already moving ahead on next year when someone ducks their head into the office and says, “The Browns just hired an analyst from the Mets to oversee everything.  Yes!  Mets, as in baseball!”.  I hope that they had a change of underwear available as I assume almost everyone in that room pissed themselves from laughing so hard.  

Let me make sure I have this right… The next Browns coach will be hired by a group composed of a guy that owns truckstops, his wife, a lawyer, and a former baseball analyst.  Then later on the same group will hire a general manager to report to the lawyer to sign off on his intended player acquisitions.  The game plan is to hire a couple of real top candidates filled with NFL experience that will happily insert themselves into that situation?  Oh, I see…  “Mr. Gruden, we would love to have you be our coach, but just to make sure you understand how we are running things, you’ll need to run your game plan by Mr. Haslam and Dee.  I would also think you should loop in the guy that keeps making baseball references in the meetings.  By the way…  Did you see Moneyball?  It’s about this team that never got to the World Series but got Scott Hatteburg on the cheap.  That’s going to be us!  We have analytics now!”

Good God.

The one thing I know about NFL guys is that they all have enormous egos.  Hell, Ray Farmer thought he had ALL the answers.  I’m not kidding.  He still does right now wherever he’s walking around in a suit and lots of cologne.  The guy who drafted Billy Football, Justin Gilbert, Cam Erving and Danny Shelton, and got caught texting the sidelines during games, was under the impression he was some sort of advanced thinker.  That regime honestly thought all the fans that complained were idiots and needed to simmer down while they continued on with “The Plan”.  So are we to believe that one of these real NFL guys that might actually know what he is doing is going to want to come here to report to a lawyer with no real football experience?  “Doug Marone wants to sign that cornerback from Oregon but he wants to see what Sashi thinks first before he makes any moves.”   Sure.  That will work.

Meanwhile we have Billy Football…  Holy Christ Almighty I love this kid.  To have been in the room when he and his posse decided that a blonde wig, fake mustache and an Instagram post from Vegas were the way to go is absolute gold.  How did those geniuses put that plan together?  Literally all he had to do was wait one more day, but Fuck It Bro!  Vegas!  It’s gonna be epic!  Then when he gets there he demands to be comped at the nightclub with a “Do you know who I am?” attitude all the while wearing an amazingly inept disguise to attempt to conceal his identity.  “My name is Billy, but I need these charges comped because I’m actually John Football… but don’t tell anybody.”  A thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters couldn’t come up with that in a thousand years.  I would strongly suggest that all Browns executives this offseason hold all press conferences while wearing blonde wigs and responding only to “Billy” when asked questions by reporters.  Haslam would rock that wig.  I know that would win me back over.

Now we wait.  Not for the Browns to hire a coach but for the Billy Wig Photos to surface.  It’s all I can think about.  This is our moment Cleveland.  Let’s enjoy it.

Go Browns.


-Greg Miller

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Posted by on Jan 5 2016. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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