The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Abandon Ship!

Browns Abandon Ship

Only the Browns could finish a season 3-13 and get worse on the first day of free agency.  They never fail to deliver, do they?  Despite having millions in cap space, the Browns failed to sign any of their four free agent starters or add anyone to the roster.  They did get laughed at though.  Conventional wisdom suggests that the Browns will draft a quarterback at #2 and thus needed to sign at least one of the two starting free agent offensive linemen.  Even a lawyer, baseball guy, and 28 year old scout kid know that if you draft a rookie QB he will need to have a solid offensive line, right?  Apparently not.  

Alex Mack showed his Cal education when he came to the conclusion “I gotta get the fuck out of here”.  This is a logical choice for anyone with any common sense and options.  I think we all saw that coming.  This led to the common belief that they would need to overpay slightly for Mitchell Schwartz at right tackle.  The Browns either bungled that deal or played hard ass, however they choose to frame it still ends up as a “loss”.  If Joe Thomas does not demand to be air lifted out of here by morning, he is out of his mind.  He is marooned on a 3-13 team that allowed three of their only capable offensive starters to walk out the door in what should be their best years.  This is a team without an offensive playmaker and now two starters on the line.  Oh, and the offense is better than the defense.

The phrase “like rats fleeing a sinking ship” comes to mind.  I expected the Browns to go from a Shitty Team We All Knew to a New Shitty Team With All New Problems in 2016.  I did not expect them to become the Somehow Even Shittier Than You Could Have Ever Believed team.  It appears that the 2016 Browns will be historically bad.  I don’t say this only because they don’t have good personnel.  I say this because the front office and ownership have given us the first glimpse at the fact that they don’t know what they are doing.  When you are new in your job coming off a 3-13 season, the phrase “amateur” and “not negotiating in good faith” are not phrases you are looking to have attached to you in national media.  I can see it now.  This is going to be an amazing new chapter in the Browns Horror Show.  So what’s next?   

Without any other card to play, I fully expect the Browns front office to go with the “we knew we had to start over the right way and build through the draft and not free agency”.  I like it when teams pretend that something disastrous didn’t happen and it was part of some Grand Masterplan.  “Yes, we are not concerned at all that four starters just left and we now have over a dozen holes to fill on the roster.  This is something we have foreseen and have planned for extensively.  Look at how calm and measured I am.  While most of you are looking at individual moves, we are the only ones that see the entire board.  Did you know I went to Harvard?  I did.  That’s a pretty big deal.  Oh, and on another unrelated matter, do you have a phone number for a right tackle?”  

Sabermetrics guys LOVE to be the contrarians in the room.  Question:  How do you know when a sabermetrics guy is right?  Answer:  Oh, don’t worry.  He’ll tell you.  Sabermetrics guys go out of the way to tell you about finding an underperforming outlier, but usually fail to mention how many times they miss.  If I can remind you, the Oakland A’s didn’t win anything.  The Yankees did.  While Paul DiPodesta was Jonah Hill in “Moneyball”, he was also the guy that had his fingerprints on some awful Padres teams.  The A’s were good because four young pitchers became excellent at exactly the same time.  It wasn’t because Scott Hatteburg put them on his back.  That was Jason Giambi’s roided up shoulders.  I hope that dude still has his rolodex.  They better find out if Scott Hatteburg can play right tackle.

This draft is very interesting.  Do the Browns bungle it by drafting the wrong QB and then insert this poor kid like a human sacrifice behind a Cameron Erving led line?  I can see that.  Or do the Browns get Super Brownsy and draft someone crazy at #2 just so they can appear to be really intellectual.  “Look at us!  We drafted a lineman!  We used ANALYTICS!”.  (Side note… “Analytics” are the same thing as “statistics”…  It’s not a new thing.  It’s just the Browns that think it is new.)  I could also see them trading the #2 pick for the always popular “multiple future draft picks”.  The idea of A Winning Culture being a Xanadu just past the horizon line is a good way to milk 2-3 years of employment out of a dopey NFL owner.  Look for a 2019 Rebuild with new wrapping paper.

Hey, let’s focus on this disaster though.  The Browns have decided that 3-13 wasn’t low enough to rebuild from, so they are going to see if they can sink even lower.  Great news!  Now the Browns have 11 picks to try and find 18 starters.  Based on the organization’s stellar history in the draft, I would think this should be no problem whatsoever.  The lawyer and baseball guy can talk to the kid and everything will be just fine.  Relax.  It’s really coming together nicely.  They are going to be a Winning Organization in three years.  It’s a process.  (listen for that one later this week)  Have a great time down at the lakeside in your rubber dog masks during the 7th Rebuild since 1999.  I think your season ticket deposits are due this week.

Go Browns.  

   

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.

 

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Posted by on Mar 10 2016. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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