The DEFEND Cleveland Show

NFL Draft 2016 Round 1: Picks 1-15

2016 nfl draft round 1

I cut the cord on cable and am streaming ESPN on my laptop. I will cover the draft until the Browns make a selection and then out. This is a nice time for a beer but I feel exotically hopped up on this Starbucks blonde.

While I wait for the draft to begin (someone is on the clock, San Diego Luchadors flash on screen) I’ll tell you that today I saw a picture of Mark Davis and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before. Or at least his bust gives you the impression that you’re always looking at it, him, for the very first time. I wouldn’t say shocking. I wasn’t taken aghast nor did I gasp, but something grotesque is happening right? Like an intricate scab, I’ve got that light salivation building in the bottom of my mouth and back of my throat. The one that accompanies that deep gut salivation.

Chris Berman is loud as hell right now. But this is a circus, right? I can see Mel Kiper on a soapbox with his tall and crinkled hat, coattails, cane, selling tonic to the drunken marks, herding them subconsciously with a flick of the wrist, look at that flick of the wrist. But Kiper seems just an attraction in the hands of the puppet master, Berman. He has the genteel (Pick #1 – The Goodell booed. Los Angeles Rams select Jared Goff. His narrative direction can only be deathbound, like everyone’s, but more pointed.) Master of Ceremonies job. Chris Berman must grab attention, contain it quickly, and conduct even quicker. Next piece, next dancing mouse, next micro-instance of Grand Guignol.

The jeering has a violent streak as several of the smaller groups are visibly drunk now, one on exclusively sweet tea vodka, (#2 – Carson Wentz. He is large. He is trotting down the stairs and looking slow. The live feed of North Dakota seems like it would cost more money than it’s worth. What is the point of engineering a North Dakota, small town, home crowd, forced gathering–and this one so small–for, sans, the second overall pick headed to Philadelphia of all places? If ESPN’s draft carnival is so carefully orchestrated, why is this decision so frivolous? Never mind. Jared Goff just threw a football over the Golden Gate bridge in the cutscene and I’m reminded how easy and small it would be to just hang a camera, tell a few people and let the mythology of the lens draw the crowd. #3 – San Diego Luchadors select Joy Bosa, younger sister of Joey Bosa. Same stats as Joey Bosa except she runs a 4.65 rather than a 4.85. Joey will go fourth.) which, tactically speaking, seems like an ill-fated choice of drinks. Corona comes in cans now.

Drink coffee every time Roger Goodell gets booed. Pavlovian association of vocalized negativity and disapproval with energy. This will come in handy in a riot maybe?

The crowd is virtually looting. (#4 – Cowboys, Ezekiel Elliott. Dallas fan says “new Emmitt Smith” which is totally true in the sense that everyone is a new Emmitt Smith. #5 – Jaguars take Jalen Ramsey. His highlight reel is honestly gorgeous. It is a well-edited exposition of a beautiful brand of defense. I’m moon-faced, starry-eyed watching this—only to fall into the sour morning that is Jon Gruden’s lowlight reel. #6 – Baltimore Ravens select Ronnie Stanley from Notre Dame. Notre Dame is a personal favorite of mine. I was a big Joe Montana kid. The gold cleats are the type of product allowing Under Armour to continue it’s growth, essentially breaking the molded 2 party system that was Nike and Adidas. Don’t claim that Reebok was ever a real contender.)

I am absolutely adoring this Laremy Tunsil chatter and that video with the gas mask. There is so much natural beauty, as an aesthete, unfolding in the presentation of this draft. It is time to switch to beer in hopes to sway with the crowd. The commercials are gone and you can be subsumed. I have to pee and am having mixed feelings about having to get up at some point. There is a lot that is working for me right now. I can see why people like watching the draft. (#7 – 49ers take DeForest Buckner whose name I have heard. I hear he plays football. He is apparently tall. He is being filmed at home and he’s covered in rims of leis, the petals so nicely stacked, rising feathery from his shoulders to dust his cheeks. I’m wholly convinced he’s sensitive. We could use that. Jon Gruden with another lowlight reel. He was obviously told to play bad cop tonight. #8 – Cleveland is excitingly trading? Amassing picks. Berman assumes that the Titans want a left tackle. The Goodell Boo is subdued as the heathen crowds are torn between intrigue and consistency. The Titans take Jack Conklin. “Incredibly long arms,” Kiper says, “…or he can move to right tackle, slow down time for you, cure the incurable, strengthen the eyes.”)

Buccaneers are next, what better time to urinate.

The commercials have returned. Cialis, Geico. Since dropping cable, my wife and I have obtained both of our parents cable sign-ins. We watch it all now, more intimately, in bed with a small screen in between us. The electricity closer to our cores, the movement, the heat, a light pumping of electricity.

Buccaneers trade with Tampa and a tiny team is coming on the stage. Champion little leaguers who enjoy participating in the show. (#9 – Bears, Leonard Floyd. Like the name. Needs to fatten up. Fatten that boy up, he deserves it. His expansion looks outward rather than deathward. What’s wrong with him, Jon Gruden? Pass Defense. Needs to be a pass rusher only. Should “work on his instincts and strength at the point of attack” or just be chill as hell and not worry about trying to fit in. Be yourself!) Even the children are booing Goodell. Drink., Maybelline Vivid Matte, Dailies Total 1 (remember the free trial offer), local news spot, Surface Pro composite sketches which I am very interested in. There is so much going on outside of ourselves that it is insane.

Goodell is getting booed. Drink.

(#10 – NY Giants select Eli Apple. Big Apple, Big Apple, there is obviously a poet on the Giants’ draft team.)

Laremy Tunsil is adorable and I hope the Browns scoop him up with a gentle swaddle and ship Joe Thomas away for some good draft picks. We are all desperately trying to survive in tumult and I hope we do it together. We are nothing if not the company we keep, the intent we belie on the world, (#11 – The Buccaneers! Periscoping his experience is Vernon Hargreaves III. Just kidding, no one really uses Periscope. It was a snapchat or instagram but probably snapchat. This is a quick media cycle and if Vernon is on top of it that this is a good pick. No one is concerned.) and the literal footprint we leave. Before I die I will carve a lot of things in stone and dig many holes, amongst my contributions to the cloud.

Surface Pro sketch guy, twice. Internet streaming commercials abide by odd laws. Now I’m experiencing a laggy McCormick’s commercial for grilling or seasoning, I’m not sure which. Should I cut my penis off now? Then the Surface Pro guy one more time, good measure and all that.

According to the Ole Miss coach, God is orchestrating this for Laremy. Negativity as a blessing. We’ve all smoked a gasmask bong. Me in San Diego actually. With luchadors. (#12 – The Saints select Sheldon Rankins, who is in trouble. I’m very hungry.) I’m excited about San Diego right now, feeling generous. There is only a limited time to enjoy the California coast, as they are HEADED DIRECTLY FOR DEATH (did I not say that?) ultimately by erosion.

Courtyard Marriott, Chevy Malibu (not an Audi? don’t be so sure), LaQuinta Hotels, straight talk wireless?, 1.5% cash back from Chase Freedom and meta-celebrity endorsements. I’m going to the bathroom and not taking my laptop with me.

(#13 – TUNSIL! Because Miami gives not a fuck. Ricky Williams, Incognito, not a fuck. Jelly so jelly right now. I think I’m out of names that I know. Laremy is dodging direct gasmask confirmation, doing his best politic. #14 – Raiders take Karl Joseph. I have said my piece on Mark Davis. I have such a soft spot for the position of Safety and it is founded on absolutely nothing except loving the roving nature of it, the ballhawking possibilities, the unrestricted reality, the vagabond. The cool kid’s position, aloof, postured so casually confident it’s graceful and honest in attitude.)

AT&T mobile insurance, Surface Pro guy again sketching creeps, Kevin Bacon singing about eggs in someone’s bed?, My wife has a surface pro and I will sketch a face. again, Jeep Renegade.

The Browns will pick next, amongst the showcasing of a bafflingly large collection of statistical anomalies, all since the reinstituting, the new era, the franchise. 32% of games won, made playoffs rare-/barely, had a million qbs and coaches, the commissioner gets booed.

(#15 – Cleveland Browns select Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor. Super fast dude, as tall as I am, which gets me constantly excited—mirroring in professional sports. A left-leaning high jumper, described by Kiper as “loose”, another thing that is exciting, feeling free to give away oneself to the moment, a real expression of the capability to explore free love, intimacy, emotional honesty, vulnerability. Sensitivity is returning to the Browns. What’s that charge?)


– Jon Conley

Also check out Jon’s music with the band Beach Stav, here.

Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

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Posted by on Apr 29 2016. Filed under Featured, Show Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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