The DEFEND Cleveland Show

2016 Browns Training Camp Report

Browns Training Camp Report

I attended Browns Training Camp yesterday to nose around a bit.  Like a small time Jimmy Olson, I had my ear to the ground looking for the real scoop.  In my head I heard a crusty news editor yelling at me with a rough voice “Don’t tell me what I know, kid!  Tell me what I don’t know!”.  Training Camp is pretty boring.  It’s good to have voices in your heard to keep you company.  Here’s what I have learned…

  • The Browns look vaguely like a professional football team, but made up primarily of strangers.  Watching the Browns in camp is what it would have been like going to see the training camp of the Chicago Enforcers of the XFL.  I found myself squinting and saying things like, “Didn’t that guy go to Central Florida?”, and, “Who’s that big guy?”.
  • The Browns national media mentions will be relegated to the tail end of national promos.  “This Sunday don’t miss Tom Brady and the Patriots in a must win game in Indianapolis vs Andrew Luck and the Colts, PLUS other regional action…”  (The Browns are the “other regional action”.)
  • Josh Gordon was walking around with a hoodie on and sporting a long beard.  That look is not exactly helping with his image of “a guy that likes smoking weed more than playing football for vast sums of money”.  I can see why he was wearing the hoodie.  It was only 89 degrees.  He somehow got hurt prior to camp and is unable to practice.  This despite the fact that he and I have played the same amount of NFL games in the recent past.  He signed a bunch of autographs for kids though.  That was nice.  I hope he can keep it together and get a big contract.  I don’t see other areas of economic opportunity for that fella.
  • There is little or no buzz at camp.  Every year there is this weird feeling that somehow the dominoes will fall right and the team will miraculously do well.  This goes against all logic, but optimism reigns supreme in August.  Even last year when we had that heavy drinking little elf cocaine QB there was an illusion the team would be good.  Not this year.  It’s like looking at the horizon seeing clouds and knowing it’s going to rain.
  • I would describe the official team position on 2016 expectations as “we’re going to kind of suck, but it’s a process”.  The phrase “process” allows an organization to chalk up all bad events as part of an overall growing phase that was somehow all part of The Plan.  If they lose the opener 31-0, that’s OK.  “It’s a tough loss, but we knew coming in that this would be a process.”  Ah, no need to worry!
  • I don’t know for sure who is playing defensive back for the Browns this year.  I do know that usually good teams have spindly dudes with dreadlocks playing corner.  I didn’t see a lot of dreadlocks out there.  That can’t be good.
  • I felt sorry for the team working out to some horrible mainstream country song blasting out of the sound system.  When 95% of the team is African-American men age 22-26, I would have to think that The Band Perry is not their go-to work out jam.  Somebody might want to sidle up to the guy controlling the PA and suggest some rap artist I’ve never heard of.
  • If you are looking for an enormous truck painted matte black, I would suggest going to the player’s parking lot.  After each one of these guys signs their deal, they must head to the nearest domestic car dealer and say “Give me the biggest truck you have and paint everything flat black.”  At least Greg Little was original with his camouflage Lamborghini.  I wonder how that car is running these days?
  • There was a dazzling array of Dead Browns QB shirts on display.  Within five minutes I had seen fans wearing Weeden, Manziel, Anderson and McCoy.  I kept holding out for a Garcia or Delhomme, but no dice.  I don’t know why fans would pony up for a shirt for a Browns starting QB what with RG3 being our 25th, but as I mentioned earlier August is filled with optimism.  They might have scored them at the clearance rack though.  That would make sense.
  • The core training camp fan is the Dad with the backward baseball hat, age inappropriate sunglasses, and goatee.  This particular outfit leaves these men looking more juvenile than their 10 year old sons which they brought in tow.  I guess it is nice that they are trying to be “good Dads” and give the kids an experience, but maybe it’s time to admit that you shouldn’t dress like you are heading to a kegger at Kappa Kappa Douche.
  • This team isn’t going to be very good.  At all.

Go Browns.

 

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.

 

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Posted by on Aug 9 2016. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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