The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Who Didn’t See This Coming? Week 1 Browns Goes As Expected, Bring On 0-16!


As I have said to anyone that has asked, and to many people that haven’t, I believe the 2016 Cleveland Browns will be a historically bad football team.  I think they have a legitimate chance to go 0-16.  My fear was that this week against the Eagles could be a winnable game and ruin “The Magical 2016 Dream Season” (as I will refer to this from this point on).  What was I thinking?  Despite a rookie QB that took only 39 pre season snaps, the Eagles did pretty much what they wanted to on offense.  This is like a guy that has been pretty good at flying a kite, doing barrel rolls in a 757.  It is also a pretty good indication that the Browns will be completely incapable of stopping anyone in 2016.  If Wentz did this to them, can you imagine what Pittsburgh, Cincinnati and New England will do to this team?  

The Eagles are expected to be one of the worst teams in the league this season.  Let’s be clear.  They beat the living crap out of the Browns.  At no point after halftime did it appear there was any scenario in which the Browns could win the game with the exception of maybe the Browns putting cyanide in the Eagles Gatorade.  Even then it’s not clear if RG3 would still not overthrow his uncovered receiver.  The Browns are absolutely terrible.  

Normally when a team loses a game the fans will all argue about how the coaching staff somehow bungled the game.  There is no argument possible here as the team has so little talent it is laughable.  Yeah, the coaching sucked too, but there are almost no legit NFL players out there.  There is no game plan that will enable the Browns to win a game this year.  The only hope is either “freak weather event”, like a tornado or blizzard, “opponent self destructing with a half dozen turnovers”, or maybe “plague of locusts”.  There are six players on this starting roster that are worth considering as part of this foretold “Golden Future of Football Dominance” that the front office has sold in.  This is the lowest point of the deep, deep valley that is the Cleveland Browns.  Each week will bring an ass kicking that is savage and complete.  This team will make the 2000 Browns look like a juggernaut.

The hope that the Browns would pick RG3 out of the scratch-n-dent bin and find a franchise QB appears like a wild LSD hallucination now.  At best, Griffin might be thought of in the future as “the poor man’s Jason Campbell” or “more fragile Jeff Garcia”.  He didn’t complete too many passes, partly because he got hit every time he even thought about passing.  At the end of the game he took that hit on the sideline that even made the Eagles players turn their heads and go “Ohhh!!!” in horrified shock.  Early word is that RG3 has a “sprained shoulder” but to me it appeared he has “a fucked up arm, shoulder and left side”.  If Griffin has anyone that cares about him, I would suggest they pack up his things and allow him to slip quietly out of town while he still has the use of his other limbs.  That Browns QB job will kill him.  (UPDATE:  As was apparent to anyone that kept their eyes open on that hit, RG3 has a broken shoulder and for all intents and purposes is finished as a starting NFL QB.  Ah Robert, we hardly knew ye.  Swing by Dick’s Sporting Goods tomorrow for wildly discounted RG3 merchandise.)

My dream has come true that Griffin is out for the season.  Now with luck McCown will come in and get injured almost immediately too, thus making Cody Kessler the starting QB for the rest of the season.  Not only would that guarantee the 0-16 record, but it would also give a real insight to what it would look like if someone was picked at random to play QB in the NFL.  Kessler has as much chance succeeding at that job as I would, though I would point out I would be “a great clubhouse guy” and bring donuts to meetings.  I think I would be quite popular with the guys until my spine got broken in my first series.  They probably wouldn’t visit me in the Spinal Trauma Unit afterwards.  I don’t have any illusions about that.

I don’t know what the coaching staff will talk about in film today.  They will say things like “man, you kinda suck Cameron” and “can any of you guys tackle better than this?”.  There will definitely be lots of profanity.  What can you do?  There’s almost no talent there.  I don’t care how much you coach that defense, most of those guys will not be playing football for money in a year or two.  The line can’t block.  The receivers aren’t open.  The backs aren’t very good.  These are very dark days indeed.  

Some people would suggest the Browns are a “cursed” franchise.  This is like saying your deadbeat brother-in-law is “cursed” because he has three DUIs and two child support payments because of the stupid decisions he has made.  The Browns moronic choices bite them in the ass, over and over.  RG3 got hurt because RG3 gets hurt.  It’s what he does!  I would have thought that would have shown up in “analytics”.  Hue Jackson used the word “unfortunate” in the RG3 Broken Left Side Of Body press conference about 37 times.  I would suggest to any season ticket holders that it is “unfortunate” that you are paying thousands of dollars to watch the Browns tank the season in 2016.  It is very “unfortunate” you won’t be able to sell your tickets and even more “unfortunate” that there are still eight home games you paid for that they have zero chance of winning.  

I can’t imagine putting on a rubber dog mask next week to watch this Browns team get shoved around by the Ravens.  It would be like going to the Coliseum in Rome and rooting for the Christians versus the Lions.  “Yeah, I know we got eaten last week, but it really seems like the Christians are building for the future.  It’s a process, you know?  Still, it was unfortunate that Robert got eaten by that lion on Sunday.  I guess they will go with Josh this week.  Maybe he will win!”.  Bread and circus baby.

Go Browns.     


-Greg Miller

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Posted by on Sep 12 2016. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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