Browns 0-2, and the Magical Season Continues…
As expected, the Browns are 0-2. What was not expected was that the Browns would have already gone through two starting quarterbacks. It is safer to be a cast member of “Jackass” than it is to be a starting QB on the Browns. Josh McCown might have given one of the toughest performances I’ve ever seen in a completely meaningless game just so the team wouldn’t have to run out wide eyed Cody Kessler to slaughter. The season is lost. And it is still technically summer. Welcome to another exciting season of Cleveland Browns football.
Mike James has suggested that McCown might have to be placed into a medically induced coma just so he could heal. This would only be if he were lucky. I hope for his sake that he is sleeping in an ice bath with an ocean of morphine being pumped into his bloodstream. Otherwise he is probably like one of those guys on the beach scene of “Saving Private Ryan” screaming and looking for his detached arm in his living room. If the Browns played games that mattered, we would all be composing heartfelt songs to sing by the fire in honor of that guy’s courage in the face of doom. He just went on the NFL version of The Charge of the Light Brigade. Josh McCown R.I.P.
So next week is coming. That means the Browns will have to either pump Josh full of Novocaine, crystal meth, and maybe gorilla adrenaline for good measure to get him on the field. The other option will be for Cody Kessler to go out there. Whenever I see him on the sideline warming up I reflexively cry out “But he’s just a boy!!!” and start weeping. He has NO CHANCE of success. NONE. This is what leads me to believe it might be time for the Analytics Guys to “Flip The Paradigm” yet again.
Let’s break this thing wide open. What if the Browns make things really exciting and allow fans to compete for the chance to play a quarter in a real NFL game? Now follow me here… This could be a bonanza of sponsorship dollars and national fan interest. Fans would have the chance to “live extreme” and play one quarter of an actual NFL game brought to you by Mountain Dew. (Please read this part to yourself in a really bad radio voice) “Try out at any participating Dick’s Sporting Goods at the Mountain Dew Fan Experience Kiosk. If you can run a 40 under 5.5 seconds, lift 225 pounds 6 times and toss a ball through a hoop 25 yards away you might qualify for the Ford Fan Experience of playing in an actual NFL game with your Cleveland Browns! Fans, vote for your Ford Fan Favorite on the Johnsonville Brats Voice of the Fan Text Poll on Cleveland Browns.com! We will take four weekly winners and see if they can outrun Ndamukong Suh next week against the Dolphins! And it’s all brought to you by Mountain Dew! Live Extreme!”
I don’t know about you, but I am wayyyy more excited about “Brad from Solon Class of 2008” playing the 3rd quarter of a blowout against the Dolphins than watching Cody Kessler get his dick pounded in the dirt. My guess is that so is America. This drives ratings, which drives revenue, which is good for the franchise. They sell the shit out the thing. Let’s not be afraid to pivot here. It’s time to bring some original thought into this pro football disaster of ours. Football is not for us. We do not do it well. It is IMPOSSIBLE for the people in Berea to not embarrass the region. So let’s have a good time with our Sundays! Let’s rip this wide open! See you at tryouts at Dick’s Sporting Goods!
P.S. That Pryor taunting penalty was bullshit. Don’t worry about it though. They wouldn’t have scored anyway. The Magical Season is intact.
Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/
Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.
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