Rent-A-Kicker Delivers Brownsy Ending In Miami
Here’s the good news. The Browns Magical Season is intact. Oh, the Dolphins did whatever they could to provide the Browns a win, but thank goodness kicker Cody Parkey was there to save the day with his three missed field goals. I would imagine it was a tense flight home for The New Guy after all of his co-workers gave everything they had on the field and positioned themselves for a win at the final gun. When Cody pushed that kick left he must have been thinking “I wonder if Southwest flies direct out of here. Maybe I can just grab a cab to the airport now.”. Sir? Would you like to gate check your helmet? If I were him, I’d have just taken an Uber back to Cleveland and skipped the flight.
It was a very Brownsy way to lose that game. I will admit, they sucked me in. When they got that strip sack on Tannehill, I even said out loud, “Holy crap! They are going to win!”. Doubt first begin to creep into my mind when I saw Parkey sheepishly trot out for the kick. The fact that the Browns had to sign a kicker yesterday because their regular kicker Patrick Murray got hurt on a walk through day should have been a sign. I am not sure how one gets injured as a kicker on a walk through day. I suspect that Murray might have injured himself at a Zumba class and later pretended to jam his knee doing something vaguely football related. I hope he changed out of his Skinny Girl yoga shorts first.
Cody Parkey should probably “soak it all in” as I suspect he will now be referred to as “former NFL kicker Cody Parkey”. He should shove as much free Gatorade and rubber shower shoes into his duffle as possible. He’s going to have a quick tense phone call tomorrow morning advising him the Browns are “going in a different direction”. During the game I was exchanging texts with friends as we brainstormed on potential kickers for next week. Mark Mosely was always pretty good in a pinch and I thought he might be a good fit. Is Matt Bahr still out there? When the idea of bringing back ageless legend George Blanda from retirement popped up, I thought that was even better. I do have some concern though when it was revealed that Blanda had died six years ago. I don’t know if he would be listed in the media guide as “George Blanda” or “The Remains of George Blanda”. The NFL probably has a protocol on that.
I will say this. Hue Jackson and staff put on one of the best coaching performances in recent memory. Belichick will get the press for last Thursday, but let’s be honest, the Patriots are an elite team missing a key player; the Browns are a train wreck missing most of a roster. The Browns coaching staff provided an opportunity for those guys to win that game. They pulled so much stuff out of the dusty back pages of the playbook it was inspiring. The fact they didn’t win is because they are the Browns and that is what they do.
Let’s find the silver lining. It should be regarded as a moral victory that QB Cody Kessler is still alive. I watched the first series with my mouth agape at the delay of game/fumble/sack. On the Red Zone Channel they said, “The only thing missing on the Browns first offensive possession is circus music.” Kessler did settle down though and looked serviceable thanks to a game plan that didn’t make him do too much. Pryor looked better than Kessler at QB, and actually appeared to be the best skill player on the field. Pryor at QB looks like what people think RG3 is supposed to look like. That dude is pretty good at football.
Right tackle Austin Pasztor will get a lot of flack after being penalized on seemingly half of all offensive plays. While he was definitely outmatched, at least his penalties helped keep Kessler alive to lose another football game next week in Washington. Whoever lined up against Pasztor ran right by him all day like he was a statue. It didn’t appear to make a difference on which Dolphin defender it was either. Perhaps the Browns will “coach him up”, though I would suggest they “get another right tackle”.
This had to be a tough loss for the team to take. It would have been even worse if they’d have won as all the drama of the Magical Season would have left like air out of a balloon. These long suffering Browns fans deserve to see perfection, just for one season. I am becoming more concerned that not everyone is on board with my dream in Berea. We will need Hue Jackson and the guys to get a Romeo Crennel type game plan in hand pretty quickly. Let’s get back to our roots gentlemen. The good news is that they can “get right” next Sunday in Washington and lose convincingly in regulation.
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