The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Worst Of All Time


Photo by John Kuntz (, used without permission

I have made the transition from “The Browns will not win this season” to “The Browns May Never Win Again”.  Pundits would write something along the lines of “The Browns looked outmatched at times against the Steelers”.  While this is obviously true, my thoughts have now moved to more sweeping gestures such as “The Browns failure runs through their bones into their DNA, soaking into the very earth on which they tread leaving them exposed as tiny quivering sheep in a jungle of predators.”  This shows why I am not a sportswriter per se, and also brings into question if I should write this column with a plume as opposed to tapping it out with two fingers on a Mac.

The Browns have now calmly eroded into being terrible at all aspects of the game.  In my mind this is the worst Browns team of all time. It is important to note that I saw the Browns field teams with Karim Abdul-Jabar as the feature running back and Quincy Morgan playing “Quincy Morgan football” (which appeared to be failing to get open most of the game and then dropping it if it was thrown into your hands).  Oh, I have been to the mountaintop my friends.  I know a bad football team when I see it, and I know the difference between “bad” and “the worst”.  This is The Worst of All Time.

Even back in the Dark Ages of Browns Football (which differs from the current era of Browns Football, which will be known as the “New Dark Ages of Browns Football), the team would have something to hang your hat on.  The rubber dog mask crew could somehow spin something positive out of the disaster they would get plastered and watch while shivering by the Lake.  “That Josh Cribbs is the best return man in football.  If we could get him the ball as a wide receiver, that would make the offense dangerous!”  While the concept was horribly flawed, at least the tiny flickering candle of hope remained.  That candle has gone out in 2016.

There are maybe five or six players on this team that have a bright future in the NFL.  This is the least talented roster in the NFL by leaps and bounds.  There are a dozen players starting on this team that would be hanging on by their fingertips to a roster spot elsewhere in this league.  The fact that there is NO talent on this roster is a horrifying truth.  In 1999 at least the excuse was that it was an expansion team. This is something that was either willfully created under the belief that the team is in the NBA and can win the lottery pick and draft LeBron, or (shivers) the front office has no ability to spot talent.  The very concept that the new front office needed to gut a team that was 3-13 is so fucked up.  They were 3-13 already.  You don’t need to make it worse in order to improve it. Why take two more steps back from the starting line?  “Guys, we are the second worst team in the league.  Let’s take the 2016 season to become the absolute worst team. Only then can we get started to try and become respectable.”

This organization has no idea what it is doing.  That is obvious.  The reports that everyone on staff must now run football and personnel decisions past Jimmy and Dee Haslam is terrifying.  I am fairly certain that the Patriots didn’t become dominant by having Belichick run the game plan upstairs past the late Mrs. Robert Kraft.  It is not a good sign when fans begin to get nostalgic for the good old days of the Randy Lerner Era.

In regards to the game itself?  The Steelers did what they always do.  They came to town and out muscled the Browns, punching the team repeatedly in the mouth and laughing while doing so.  It was varsity vs JV.  Kessler almost lost his head at one point and mercifully was taken to the locker room where he was allegedly carrying on like a young Howard Hughes and shuffling around in Kleenex boxes.  The team noted this was expected to be temporary.  The offensive line makes any success impossible.  It seems hard to believe that they don’t understand their blocking assignments by week 11.  Maybe it is just that the personnel sucks.  Please note I am beginning to think Cam Erving might not be very good at football.  Another quick note…  What happened to those four receivers the front office used their “analytics” on and drafted?  Are those guys still on the team?  Do they suit up on Sunday?

The defense cannot stop anything.  The Steelers could have come up with any game plan and the Browns were powerless to stop it.  As the weather conditions could have been described as “windy as fuck”, the Steelers abandoned the passing game and just went five yards at a time.  They could have given the Browns a script for their play calling and it wouldn’t have made a difference.  “We are running left!  Try and stop us!”  Someone should let Briean Boddy-Calhoun know that he shouldn’t react like he just won a playoff game when he makes a simple pass defense on second and 10 while the Steelers are 15 plays into an eventual 18 play scoring drive.  I would recommend someone on staff pull him aside with something as simple as “Hey, stop being such an asshole…”.

It is incomprehensible to me that this team wins this year.  We’ve got this.  The Browns are going to go 0-16.  The complex set of circumstances needed for this particular group of people to pull off a win in the NFL is almost beyond comprehension.  The Browns would need their opponent to turn the ball over deep in their own territory numerous times to allow for an early lead and then a blizzard or tornado hits with terrifying force making running actual offensive plays against the Browns impossible.  It’s the only scenario I can come up with that is even in the neighborhood of plausible.  Yes, 0-16 will happen.  The real question is can they win next year?  0-32?  Now we’re really talking!

Go Browns.


-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.


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Posted by on Nov 21 2016. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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