The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Week 2: That’s Why You Never Bet On The Browns

Photo by Joshua Gunter for Cleveland.com, used without permission

At the end of the Browns game I was one of the few degenerates that was still fully emotionally invested in the Browns scoring an otherwise meaningless touchdown to cut the Ravens win to seven points.  You see, I had tied to Browns into a “teaser” bet, also known as a “sucker bet”.  I had the Browns +13.5.  I knew in my heart that the Browns would let me down for the second time that day, and they did losing by 14.  The Browns were who we thought they were.  An okay defense with an extremely shaky offense that is well below the standard of the NFL’s more elite teams.  How could I have been such a fool?

I had somehow bought into the mass delusion locally that the Browns had morphed into an actual NFL franchise capable of winning on Any Given Sunday.  “They should keep it close.  They might even win!”  I know better than that.  Damn it.   What was I thinking?  Deshone Kizer looked exactly like the peak and valley QB he was at Notre Dame.  That kid makes a great play and then ten minutes later you’re yelling at your dogs “Who the fuck was he throwing that to?!”.  My dogs didn’t seem to care when they showed the replays of Ravens laughing it up and Kizer wearing that backwards baseball hat sitting on the bench.  They didn’t have any money on the Browns though.  

There’s no getting around it.  Kizer had a horrible game.  Missing the second quarter didn’t help.  I don’t remember Bret Favre ever missing time for a migraine.  This is where I should insert a story about Joe Montana playing an entire month on a shattered fibula while wearing a colostomy bag.  It’s not like the Good Old Days (said the cranky old man).  The kids are soft today!  People that miss work for migraines are company receptionists named Tammy, not NFL quarterbacks.  Then again, I have always thought migraines are a myth like unicorns, the Loch Ness monster and the country of Ecuador.  

The Browns should have kept Hogan in the game.  He came in and looked as (in)competent as Kizer and led the only touchdown drive.  The game looked like it was moving too fast for Kizer.  Hogan vaguely appeared like a professional football player, though let us never speak again of that interception he threw right before halftime.  That will be one of those plays that the coaches will show in the film room over and over again not saying anything.  The room will be silent as he marinates in his shame.  The good news is that Kizer will then have to sit through his second half of delay of game penalties and ill-advised passes.  It was a “Welcome to the NFL” game for Kizer.

It is impossible to win an NFL game with five turnovers.  It is also impossible to win an NFL game with the Browns current receiving corps.  Coleman shows flashes.  Even he dropped a bunny pass though.  I still can’t tell any of the Browns receivers apart, except for Dwayne Bowe.  Wait, I mean Kenny Britt.  The rest of those guys can’t seem to get open and are a 50/50 shot to hold onto it if they do.  They are going to need to cut a check to a real receiver in the off season.  

I’m still not sure about the defense.  The Steelers were rusty.  The Ravens are once again “offensively challenged” which made the Browns appear probably better than they actually are at this point.  Still, it’s hard to complain about that side of the ball.  The Browns D played them well enough to give the team a chance to win, it’s just that the offense isn’t going to be good enough to score on good defenses.  The defense is going to have to make takeaways for this team to have a chance to beat decent opposition.  That’s all there is to it.

In the end, the game went as these Ravens games always go.  The Ravens defense bullied the Browns.  The Browns spent the entire game seemingly in third-and-fourteen.  The Browns took a bunch of stupid penalties.  Terrell Suggs spent the day hitting Browns quarterbacks, much as he has since the late 1970s, and then mugging for the TV cameras.  The Ravens offense was just barely good enough to win.  There was never a feeling that the Browns had a chance.  Fools that bet on the Browns lost their money.  Ravens fans drove home happy.

Go Browns.

 

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.

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Posted by on Sep 17 2017. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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