The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Weak 17: Perfection (I Love A Parade!)

In the end, it took one guy to step up and make a play.  The entire season of absolute perfection was on the line and by God, Corey Coleman did what he had to do.  It seems almost impossible that a man that is employed to do one thing, catch the football, was unable to catch a pass that was delivered right to his hands.  It wasn’t even one of those unneeded Kizer fastballs either.  It was a simple toss to his hands.  When he allowed it to flutter right through his fingers I let out a whoop.  I knew these guys could do it.  Last year they knocked on the door, but this year they bashed it on in.  Congratulations Cleveland Browns!  A perfect 0-16.

The game itself was interesting.  The Steelers played with a last preseason game level intensity of 80% motor against the Browns who were scratching and clawing their way desperately trying to win.  The Browns fought like avalanche victims clawing to the surface.  The Steelers had their second string center get hurt and replaced him with some guy from Section 212.  By the second half it was obvious the Steelers could care less about the final score.  There was a total disparity in effort.  This is what it would take to make it close.  The Steelers couldn’t do much more to give the Browns a chance to win, but give the Browns credit.  They dug deep and found a way to lose.  Those are my guys.

Kizer played pretty well for what will likely be his last NFL start ever.  I hoped he took plenty of photos and really soaked it all in.  This was as close as he will ever get again to winning a game in the NFL.  Sure, maybe he will laugh it up in the locker room as the backup QB wearing a visor after the team that employs him wins, but he will personally never get that close again with dirt on his uniform.  He seems like a nice kid.  I hope he lands on his feet.  Maybe he can go back and get that degree at Notre Dame.  With his Browns money he can likely make his dorm room the #1 party spot on campus.  I am picturing leather couches and Pottery Barn vases with sticks artfully arranged in them.  A couple of freshmen from Chicago that live in the room next door will have a hard time competing with the sound system DeShone can drop in that place.  Carpe diem my friend.  You’ve done all you can do in Cleveland.  You are a legend here now.

So now the team is 0-16 and 1-31 after two years of “The Process”.   The game plan to hoard draft picks and then re-stock the team sounded great on paper, but The Lawyer and The Baseball Guy couldn’t identify good players.  The Browns organization has already committed to keeping Hue Jackson, which is rather troubling.  I am not suggesting that Hue isn’t a good coach, but the Browns couldn’t get lined up correctly on the first attempt at the 4th and 2 with their season on the line.  Getting beyond the fact the team can’t execute the play when it happens, by Week 16 shouldn’t they be able to at least line up for it so they can fuck it up without calling a time out first?  

Hue is going to “jump in the lake” after he made the guarantee they wouldn’t go 1-15 again.  Technically they didn’t with that 0-16, so maybe he should just quietly leave town as the worst head coach in NFL history and leave it at that.  However, Hue is a man of his word, and he will hop in the water.  This is much more fun than the team going 3-13, so I am very much in favor of it.  Ideally they should chip a hole in the ice and allow Hue to do a cannonball in it, but I foresee some limp dicked run off the beach in a wet suit.  That will be disappointing, but that’s what Hue does.  It’s his gift.

The real story will be focused on the Season of Perfection Parade.  I am very much in favor of this parade.  Let me tell you why.  The anti-parade crowd says it makes the city look bad, like we are accepting being losers.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I see it as a way to give the organization the finger and maintaining a stiff upper lip.  Wave after wave of these disconnected Browns front office people have sashayed into town leading a PR charge of “feeling the fan’s pain”.  They don’t though.  They have no clue.  They are just passing through.  The front office personnel will spend a couple years here, pack up a suitcase full of money, and leave after failing to achieve any of their initial press conference shit talk.  The clueless ownership then hires whatever unqualified buffoons that they can trick into coming here next and provides those people just enough interference to sabotage their ill-conceived master plans.  The Truckstop Owner doesn’t know what he’s doing so he has The Truckstop Owner’s Wife wife try her hand.  She doesn’t know what she’s doing either and hires whoever has her ear at the moment.  It’s like a bad Game of Thrones episode.  The next front office will get a year or two of whatever pointless Rebuilding Plan they sold her on, and then they get blown out to repeat the process again and again and again and again.

I cannot fathom why anyone would buy season tickets to these games.  There is no chance of winning.  Ever.  Yet each year these people delude themselves into thinking this time it will be different.  They buy the tickets and support the team.  They give these total failures millions of dollars annually.  Meanwhile the Browns themselves offer out of touch lip service and flimsy promises to the fans.  They have no customer appreciation whatsoever.  If this was any other business, they’d be shut down like an old Bennigans.  So if the fans want to have an event that will be covered by every sports channel on the planet to mock that organization, I say not only “let them do it” but “how can I help?”.  The Browns, despite decades of record breaking ineptitude, maintain a cool aloofness.  They are lucky that the fans haven’t stormed the Bastille and put the front office’s heads on pikes.  They need to absorb this parade with a stiff grin on their face.  They earned it.  The worst sports organization in American history.

Go Browns.

 

-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at http://nursethehate.blogspot.com/

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.

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Posted by on Dec 31 2017. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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