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Browns Head Coaching Finalists

Browns Head Coaching Finalists

Today the Cleveland Browns confirmed that the 2014 head coaching search has come down to some guy from Buffalo and this dog. The Browns have now been turned down by almost anyone they even considered for the job after hastily firing Chud, and they have since methodically had all their potential candidates whittled away to come to these final two candidates. The Guy From Buffalo was the defensive coordinator for a team that finished 6-10 and tenth in defense overall. The Buffalo defense would have probably finished worse, but the weather is so horribly windy in Buffalo it becomes almost impossible to pass the ball in December (which may be why the Bills were ranked #28 against the run… but don’t think about that.) There is no sense that the city of Buffalo is white knuckling This Guy’s departure, as they look forward to resuming being 6-10 next year in much the same way the Browns have a 4-12 finish in their plans.

There isn’t too much known about this dog. He appears to be even tempered, and by all accounts is “a good boy”. What has made him a surprisingly strong candidate is the lack of other quality candidates and his overall enthusiasm. After several area high school coaches dropped out of consideration because they didn’t want to sully their reputation by being associated with the Browns, this dog’s stock rose considerably. NFL Insider Ian Rapoport reportedly said, “As long as he doesn’t pee on the floor, I think that dog has a real shot at this job, or at least the defensive coordinator position. Mike Lombardi is VERY excited about this dog and has reportedly called him “a football mind equal to our own.” While there has been some concern internally about players reporting directly to a four legged mammal incapable of speech, Joe Banner appears to be intrigued by showing the NFL he can win with a dog as coach.”

As other teams fill in their coordinator positions daily, Horton and Turner wisely jumped ship. They were immediately hired by more reputable franchises, and yes I am calling the Washington Redskins more reputable. This leads one to the inevitable conclusion that after the Browns hire “whoever is left” as coach, they will then turn to hire “whoever is left that even we didn’t consider as a coaching candidate”. That will leave guys that suck, guys with horrible backgrounds as violent criminals or sex offenders, and 17 year old boys looking for first jobs. Right now there is a kid that is considering if he is going to fill out an online application for Panera or the Cleveland Browns defensive backs coaching job. That kid might be jogging out to the sideline in a Browns hoodie to watch the team lose 31-6 to Pittsburgh at home next Fall saying things like “Duuuuude!” when Big Ben rolls up 400 yards of passing. The good news is he can always go to Panera later.

It has to be a real scene over in Berea right now. Every coach and scout must assume that he is out. There must be empty offices everywhere. Lots of crap piled into boxes ready for a quick unceremonious exit. Any member of the organization except Banner that isn’t looking for another job is a God Damn Fool. There is no work being done right now in preparing to succeed in 2014. There will be a non-cohesive group of guys thrown together in the next month that will have no chance of succeeding. The same guys that brought you Barkevious Mingo and Davone Bess are going to bungle all those draft picks, and then hand them over to the tossed together coaching staff. You think the guys that had no plan for a coach, and then couldn’t adapt to the changing market can pull off a successful draft? There is no fucking way. You renew your tickets yet? I wouldn’t…
-Greg Miller
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Posted by on Jan 21 2014. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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