The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Kick-Six Aftermath


I keep thinking about how the Browns managed to somehow lose once again in humiliating fashion on national TV.  If the specifics of how they lose games were to be written as a script for some dark comedy, the ideas would be discarded by editors for being ludicrous.  Despite an endless parade of pompous Browns front office executives, no one has been able to construct anything that even remotely resembles a competitive NFL franchise.  How is it possible they haven’t stumbled into success by accident?  The whole league is set up to create that scenario for God’s sake.  

After this year the operation will be blown up again and a new search for qualified candidates to turn around this doomed ship will begin.  Of course, anyone with the ability to take on the Herculean task is also smart enough to avoid coming in contact with this situation.  Working for the “New Era Browns” is like having worked in pornography.  It is a red mark on your name that will never wash clean.  Has anyone ever catapulted out of here and been able to put their life back together?  Chud probably sits outside interviews hoping no one will ask about the year he washed clean on his resume.  “Hey!  Wait a minute!  I know you!  You coached the Browns one year, right?  I’m really sorry sir, the position you are interviewing for was just filled this morning… Thanks for coming by though!”

The hustle the Browns sell to sponsors and the population is “association with the team and the NFL”.  They claim to represent our community and serve as a way for the rest of the planet to form positive opinions on Northeast Ohio.  You will gain glory through our glory is the basic pitch.  They also get ludicrous tax breaks and favored nation status for all of the “money they bring into the community”.  Despite this alleged massive shower of dollars they bring local merchants, I seem to recall the economy was clipping along at pretty much the same rate while they were kaput.  As far as I can also tell that stadium taking up valuable lakefront real estate is like a casino.  Money flows one way.  It goes in and never comes out.  This is generally ignored as the price the population must pay for our modern “bread and circus” distraction.  However, when an organization brings nothing but losing and humiliation to a community, why are we paying the tab?  Why do they get $325 million+ annually to trot out this bullshit year after year?

If we take the idea of the Browns being “part of the community”, don’t we as a community need to become more involved?  While the notion of getting a mob with torches and pitchforks together is a really fun idea, I think it would be more constructive to get a meeting of self-appointed civic leaders and head over to the Browns Fortress in Berea.  I envision an 1890s rail baron type group of cigar smoking men with pocket watches.  “Mr. Haslam… Can I call you Jimmy?… As you know the city has spent millions of dollars on a marketing campaign to attract tourists and business to the area.  Unfortunately this team of yours self-destructs on national TV every week making us all look like a bunch of goddamn buffoons.  We just can’t have it any longer.  We are going to need you to go.  Take that Manziel kid with you.  Get all of them out of here.  Go back down South to your Waffle Houses and crappy little truck stops.  We are seizing the land by eminent domain.  This is our city.  We are done with you.  We are going to need you to stop embarrassing us and yourself any further.  Head back to your backwater town and don’t ever come back.  We don’t want any hard feelings…  But…  Just to make sure you understand we are serious, I’m afraid we are going to have some unemployed steelworkers give you and the folks you brought in a real good beating.  I’m sorry Jimmy.  It’s just the way it has to be…”  

Then they sort of shake their heads and walk out to leave the pissed off unemployed fat guys in nylon jackets to get to work on Haslam, Farmer, and Company.  As the door closes the sounds of large men hitting panicked people with two by fours ensues.  Is there something wrong with me in that I see that as entirely sensible at this point?  What else can we do?  These fools out in Berea have no idea how to compete in the arena they have entered.  As a result the entire nation has Cleveland as a punchline once again.  Look, we cleaned up that burning river.  That one was totally on us.  That river pollution just got away from us.  It was the 70s.  But this fiasco?  Well, we just can’t let this continue any longer.  There is no slick ad campaign that will make the population of the planet not think “loser” when Cleveland comes up in conversation.  We need to run these carpetbaggers out of here.

I suggest we take the same tact as colleges do with out of control fraternities.  We seize control of the Browns and immediately suspend operations.  Let’s give this organization the death sentence.  With luck the intellectual property of the Browns can be sold off to Los Angeles.  They get the helmets, crappy new uniforms, whatever players they want , the whole bit.  Take it.  Take the team if you want it.  We don’t need any of that crap.  It’s all worthless anyway.  As a community, let’s get our breath and put a new thing together five years from now if we decide we want to get back into this NFL thing.  Start fresh.  Create a new completely clip art worthy team devoid of personality.  The Cleveland Mustangs.  The Cleveland Wildcats.  Low expectations and a new beginning.  Leave all that baggage and bad juju behind.  Haslam and those creeps can heal up in the hospital and head out to LA.  They’ll like it better out there in their hard ass sunglasses anyway.  Hell, that Manziel kid will love it out there with that flat brimmed hat of his.  It’s best for all of us.  We all need to part ways.

We all know the truth.  There is no hope that the current group of people can succeed in Berea.  The front office, coaches, and players are all beyond redemption.  Browns Stadium is like one of those restaurant locations that never works no matter what people try in the spot.  Something is just wrong with the place.  Who is going to win with the Browns?  The exhumed corpse of Vince Lombardi would go 3-13 as coach of this team in this or any year.  However, I would be excited to see his corpse wheeled out on a dolly at the beginning of each home game.  It would require some effort to make sure “Chomps” didn’t run off with a femur, but it might be worth it.  That might be something for The Mustangs to try on the home opener in 2020.  New ideas for a new tomorrow.  Citizens!  Take arms!

Go Mustangs!


-Greg Miller

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Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.


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Posted by on Dec 1 2015. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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