The DEFEND Cleveland Show

The Magic Continues


Like most of you, as I watched the Browns line up to potentially win the game over the Ravens my first thought was “How are they going to fuck this up?”.  Immediately the thought filled my head.  It was literally the only thing on my mind.  In fact, I even texted a friend, “a blocked kick returned for a TD would be great”.  This is an interesting turn.  I have now allowed myself to become so immersed in the forbidden dark arts of following Cleveland Browns football that every cell of my body knew that the most heartbreaking and ridiculous way to lose was the only possible outcome.  I’ve become some kind of rubber dog mask wearing fortune teller.  Most fans would be filled with outrage to see their team lose on the last play to a Ravens arena league free agent signing streaking down the sideline. Not me.  I roared with laughter.  This is a magical football team on the ride of their lives.  And by “magic”, I mean “black magic”.  

Whenever you think you have seen the most absurd way the Browns could lose a game, you have made a mistake.  There are countless ways you haven’t yet considered that are not only possible but extremely likely.  These include:

  1. Seagull diving and wedging itself into receivers facemask preventing game winning catch.
  2. Kicker spontaneously combusting on field goal try.
  3. Goal post collapsing onto Browns defensive front allowing opponent to trot into end zone.
  4. Plague of locusts preventing two minute drill.
  5. Scurvy.
  6. McCown finally dying on field, rising from dead, and starting new religion that despite having the resurrection broadcast to a modest national Sunday 1p TV audience, fails to ignite much of a following and peters out quietly.

While I could continue with an endless stream of very possible losing scenarios, I would now like to address the passing of Josh McCown last night.  I think we can all agree that it was important to teach John W. Football a lesson about personal responsibility, and if that meant that one man had to die because of John’s lie about being a 22 year old drinking legally in a bar last weekend, that’s a small sacrifice to pay.  It would have been nice if #1 pick Cameron Erving could have made a block or two to have spared McCown’s broken body, but he was busy “playing like a Brown” and was unable to stop anyone.  I will shed a small tear each time I see Justin Gilbert fail to take the ball out of the end zone by Josh’s grave.  Team officials said that you will be able to note Josh’s head stone just to the right of where Lou “the Toe” Groza’s remains were buried in 1999.  It is over by the Draft Kings signage.  It’s done very tastefully.   

I think it was noteworthy that the Ravens, who at this point in the season are really only a bunch of Area Temps in Ravens uniforms, played much harder than the Browns.  That guy that blocked the field goal changed my oil at Lube Stop last week.  He did a good job too.  I gave him high marks on the customer satisfaction survey.  Let’s compare those guys with what the Browns brought to the field.  The Browns defense played with slightly less intensity than most neighborhood Turkey Bowls this weekend.  I know that they are professional football players with cool detachment, but most cashiers at Target bring more enthusiasm than the Browns defensive starters.  Those guys do not give a shit and it shows.  This just in…  If Paul Kruger wants to make a play this season, that might be a good idea.  I don’t think WWE hair alone will keep you in the NFL.  Also, does anyone play a deep safety position on this team?  Or was that guy on a smoke break?  I know the Players Union fought for some concessions on the last contract, so maybe that was one of them.  We couldn’t possibly have played with the same number of players as the Ravens to get lit up by Matt Schaub (a great possible future Browns QB by the way… You see those interceptions?  He’s our kind of guy!).  

You know that phrase “pull games out of their ass”?  As in, “Boy, the Patriots really pulled one out of their ass to beat the Jets last week!”.  The Browns are the polar opposite of that.  So does that mean we should say, “You see the game last night against the Ravens?  Boy, the Browns really shoved one in their ass last night!”?  It appears to me that is the natural flipside of the other expression and represents a real opportunity for the Browns to trademark it like that cute Dawg Pound logo.  The team has really blazed the trail “putting one up their ass” in this 2015 season.  Imagine the sponsorship opportunities.    

So where are we now?  This was one of the last winnable games on the schedule.  I have floated the idea out a few times, but I think it is time for serious consideration.  Let’s forfeit the rest of the season, disband the team, and just head in a new direction.  Turn Browns Stadium into a waterpark or something.  Let’s run that Haslam fella out of town back to his truck stops filled with mechanical singing bass, Oak Ridge Boys CDs, and very creative accounting.  The Browns players will be OK with that I think.  They aren’t that invested in this thing anyway.  There are even a handful of players on this team other teams would want.  I’d like to see Travis Benjamin, Gary Barnidge, Karlos Dansby, and whoever the fuck the punter is land on their feet.  The rest of these guys need to focus on “life after football”.  I hope they paid attention in school.  This football thing is not working out.  

Go Browns.


-Greg Miller

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Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.


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Posted by on Dec 1 2015. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

1 Comment for “The Magic Continues”

  1. Yehoshua Friedman

    Football is a nasty sport. It has the potential to be a chess game with live pieces, the strategy can be on a high level, very nice. But it turns people’s brains into Polish sausage and rips the rest of their bodies apart. Coaching is characterized by sadism. The NCAA is a scam which doesn’t usually provide players with a real college education, nor does it pay them. The NFL is a floating crap game. What the hell was the matter with the Colts being in Baltimore and staying there, the Cardinals being in St. Louis (or Chicago) and staying there, the original Browns being in Cleveland and staying there? The Cleveland Browns fans are the BEST, and they are getting serially reamed, steamed and dry-cleaned by opponents and ownership. The Browns need to have a Green Bay-style community ownership instead of being a cash cow for incompetents. Fans deserve ownership that puts field performance ahead of lining the owners’ pockets. The same goes for the Indians, but without the violence.

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