The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Merry Christmas, Browns won’t win another game

Merry Christmas, Browns Lose

The Browns losing to the Seahawks came as a surprise to no one.  I would point out to the Browns management that when your fan base watches a game with no expectation of victory, you might have a problem.  It was almost impossible to come up with a scenario in which the Browns left Seattle with a victory.  In fact, I thought their best chance at winning was when they unexpectedly drove downfield on their first possession.  I thought it would have been a good idea to get down around the ten, assume the “victory formation” for a few snaps, kick a field goal and then hightail it to the airport.  “Deke!  It looks like the Browns are heading to the tunnel with 10 minutes left in the first quarter and a lead.  It appears they are packing up and leaving!  Out of the box thinking from Mike Pettine!  Browns win!”

Much of the chatter leading into the game was speculation about how Manziel would play against a big time defense on the road.  You know… That little SOB played pretty well.  I’m concerned about that wispy mustache and his trait of locking in on the primary read, but he didn’t cost them the game.  That was on the defense.  Manziel’s only interception was late in the game when he made the mistake of throwing it towards an indifferent Dwayne Bowe.  The fact that Bowe was in the game at all was a good measure of how many live bodies the Browns have that can play receiver.  They’d toss Brian Brennan in there in loafers if they thought they could.  To put it in perspective, the Browns put Terrell Pryor in the game before Bowe and Pryor was out of football and has never played receiver in an actual game before today.  That is a pretty good indication of how the team feels about Bowe.  I don’t know if that half assed effort Bowe gave to come back to the ball on the interception was that he was so surprised to see a ball thrown his way, or he just forgot how to play football entirely.  For $9 million, he could have at least tried to break that up, right?  What would that take?  $12 million?

The defense is the real story.  Good God do they suck.  There isn’t anyone on that side of the ball that can cover anyone in any circumstance.  They give the team no chance to win.  Seattle scored on every first half possession and racked up 16 first downs.  Any play Seattle wanted to try was successful.  The offensive coordinator must have been running the same three plays over and over just for the hell of it.  “Russell!  I’m going to call that run off right tackle and then follow it up with the sideline pass again.  Seriously!  You think they’ll stop it this time?  Hahahahaha!”  

The Browns are just totally outclassed.  The Seahawks averaged five yards a run and 7.5 yards a pass.  There were so many plays where I looked at the TV and remarked “What the fuck was that?”  Donte Whitner got stiff armed by Russell Wilson like he was a 125-pound high school sophomore.  Danny Shelton made a pretty good tackle when he fell on someone by sheer chance.  Defensive back Charles Gaines was shaking his finger like he was a big deal breaking up a pass when Wilson under threw a wide-open receiver streaking past him.  I’m sorry; I believe the technical term for the Seahawk receiver on that play was “wide fucking open”.  Quick tip for Mr. Gaines…  If you are going to preen like a champion pony, it might be a good idea to do so when not down 17 points and after having made the other team punt only once in the game, prior to celebrating like you just won a Powerball drawing.

If the Seahawks had been in the mood, they could have dropped 40+ points on the Browns running exclusively fly patterns.  They could have walked up to the line of scrimmage and said “Hey man.  We are running deep passes from here on out.” and there is nothing the Browns could have done about it.  Tramon Williams was in his usual position of “Holy fuck!  I gotta catch that guy!” sprinting after open receivers on almost every pass.  That completely unnecessary facemask penalty he got at the end of the first half was sweet too.  It’s always a good idea to give Seattle a free three points at home.  

I think the best part of this game was despite losing 30-13, I feel like it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.  At this point any game in which complete embarrassment doesn’t descend on the city as a whole is a minor victory for this franchise.  Yes the Browns lost 30-13, but America isn’t laughing at the city.  It’s all we can hope for now.  I watched the end of the Denver vs Pittsburgh game, and it doesn’t even seem like the same sport.  It appears from the TV coverage that it’s quite fun to have a real NFL franchise in the city where you live. I bet it is also good to watch games in December where the outcome matters and the best-case scenario isn’t “losing with a shred of dignity”.  

Browns games in December are sort of like the early 1990s for me.  I have vague memories of disappointment that I cannot place in chronological order with an ocean of beer washing over the whole thing.  So here we go into the home stretch… There is no chance of victory in these last two games.  The roster is almost barren of talent.  Most players that are recognizable have broken collarbones or skulls.  Two more weeks until the owner fires this shitty coach and GM for a new shitty coach and GM and the ride starts again.  It’s a holiday tradition like wrapping presents, trimming the tree, and losing to the Steelers while slamming Christmas Ales to dull the pain.  Ho ho ho.

Go Browns.


-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.


Listen to last Monday’s “The Defend Cleveland Show” in its entirety by clicking here.

The DC Show with host Mike James airs live every Monday morning from 9am-11:30am on WRUW-FM 91.1 Cleveland, and streams world wide here.

And listen every Friday to “Defend Cleveland Friday with Mike and Joe”  by clicking here, a weekly hour long Cleveland sports podcast companion to the DC Show that’s the best way to end you week, and the only way to begin your weekend.

Short URL:

Posted by on Dec 21 2015. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

Leave a Reply

Log in | Designed by Gabfire themes