The DEFEND Cleveland Show

All Is Lost…er


It’s hard to get your arms around how consistently totally catastrophic events happen to the Cleveland Browns.  Almost every single day something unexpected and terrible happens.  The Browns make the Hindenburg seem like a pretty decent trip across the Atlantic.  The Browns make the bubonic plague seem like a little cough.  The team is a smallpox-ridden blanket nestled on Cleveland’s shoulders.  No matter what ridiculous horrible scenario that you attempt to dream up for the team, they will blow away your worst-case scenario in a way that you never thought possible.  The Browns are the Mozart of disaster.

It is Week 2 of the NFL season.  It’s still technically summer for God’s sake.  Let us assess the situation.  The Browns 3rd string QB is starting.  The Browns are starting their 5th QB in their last 5 regular season games.  Let’s contrast that with New England.  Bill Belichick has been in New England 17 years and has started 4 QBs.  Four.  In 17 years.  The Patriots have a Hall of Fame QB and All Pro tight end out, and it is a small speed bump.  Let’s contrast that with Cleveland.  It’s Week 2 and the season is lost.  Two of the Browns Top 3 “sure thing analytics” draft picks are already out for extended periods with Coleman breaking his hand in practice yesterday.  Last year’s second #1 pick center Cam Erving is out with a bruised lung for a month after playing terribly in two games.  Suspended WR Josh Gordon has a warrant out for his arrest in a paternity case, but the good news is that at least it’s not for drugs.  I am assuming Gordon has received advice on this matter from his friend the Cocaine Dwarf, former QB John W. Football.  

The Browns “Director of Strategy” thought it would be a good strategic move to publicly note Carson Wentz was “not considered to be a Top 20 QB” so the Browns took a pass on him.  Wentz is, of course, impressive and 2-0 with the Eagles and appears ready to haunt the franchise for the next decade.  Don’t worry.  The Browns will counter this week with Cody “Trust Me” Kessler, a QB so unprepared to play at this level that Josh McCown played a second half strung out on morphine, Jack Daniels, and Novocain just to flutter ineffective passes downfield as he took an ass-kicking.  Kessler will obviously be terrible and allow the decision making of the horribly inexperienced front office to become a national punch line.  Here’s more good news.  The Browns just signed Charlie Whitehurst, a guy that looks like he might have played an early support set on the WGAR-FM Country Jam after going three and out with the Titans.  Holy mother of fuck.  What can these assholes in Berea possibly do next?

I will level with you.  I love this team because they will always be terrible.  Always.  I wait with breathless anticipation in their next failure.  I marvel at their misfortune.  The Browns cannot be logically explained.  It’s like a ship from the 1500’s where the filthy crew speaks in violent whispers below decks.  “She’s cursed!  The ship is cursed!  We will all die on her!”.  In this case, those sea salts are 100% correct.  There is no hope.  No captain can guide this doomed ship anywhere but the rocks, and there are 14 more weeks of horrible carnage to come.  Last week I thought all was lost.  Now I realize all is loster.  Is that a word?

Go Browns.    


-Greg Miller

Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.


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Posted by on Sep 22 2016. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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