The DEFEND Cleveland Show

“My Team Has More Picks Than Your Team, Losers!” – A Browns 2017 Draft First Round Recap


Many fans were critical of the Browns trading down yet again in the draft last night.  Fans wonder why the Browns continue to pass on Blue Chip players to acquire more picks in later rounds.  This is because the fans do not understand “analytics”.  The Browns have seized upon a tremendous strategic game plan and are in fact playing five-dimensional chess while all the other teams play checkers.  I have heard from very reliable sources that the Browns are right now in the process of trading all remaining players on their roster for, you guessed it, more picks.  These picks will then be gathered and traded yet again for more picks.  Then those freshly acquired picks will be traded for additional picks.  Finally, when it seems the team could not acquire any additional picks, they will make yet more trades for more future picks.

The Browns will cease to be a team in the traditional sense.  Fans will at first be shocked to learn that there will not be any actual players in uniforms participating in games.  There will be grumbling from the Muni Lot diehards.  These people have outdated thinking and are relics from the past.  The NFL is a forward-thinking league.  The Browns are so far ahead of the curve that some fans won’t understand at first.  Yet once the fan base understands that the theoretical value of these picks far outweighs the actual performance of any of the players that could have been acquired, this city will be on fire with Browns Fever.  The sheer amount of potential value this team will have will be staggering.  Of course, it will be difficult to get excited about tailgating at a stadium that won’t have any actual football games, but fans will get used to it.

The real excitement will happen when the Browns Front Office takes the field.  For example, let’s say that the Baltimore Ravens come to town.  The Ravens players will take to the field, fully dressed and ready to play their brand of “smashmouth football”.  The Browns, light years ahead of the Ravens, will calmly walk out to midfield for the coin toss with a cadre of well-dressed lawyer types that will present the inescapable truth to the Ravens that if the Browns were to play this game against the Ravens, the Ravens would have no chance at victory.  The sheer value of dozens of high draft picks which could have theoretically been made will make the Ravens understand the unavoidable truth.  The Browns would have won this game with ease based on the sheer value of pick after pick after pick after pick.  The Ravens, with no other real option, would be forced to concede and leave the field after forfeiting the contest.  The Browns lawyers will draft the agreement of concession, which would be signed by Terrell Suggs, and then the lawyers will wave this document triumphantly to the roaring crowd.

This is an exciting new age of analytics.  Embrace it.  

Go Browns.


-Greg Miller
Be sure to check out more insensitive stuff written by Greg Miller at

Also check out Greg’s great country punkabilly band, The Whiskey Daredevils.


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Posted by on Apr 28 2017. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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