The DEFEND Cleveland Show

Week 12: Sad Ass Browns Play Another Game Of Continued Failure

Photo by John Kuntz for, used without permission

The Browns game today was like one of those Hollywood chick flicks.  Within five seconds of looking at it, it was apparent what was going to happen.  The really nice girl in glasses would take off her glasses for prom and only then would it be discovered that she had the looks of a sexy international model.  Then, despite the opportunity to leave the dance with the handsome popular yet shallow Prom King that is suddenly interested in her, she dances with her true love, the bumbling best friend.  In this admittedly shaky analogy, Andy Dalton is the girl that takes off the glasses.  Corey Coleman is the shallow Prom King that gets rejected.  I guess that makes Marvin Lewis the bumbling best friend?  Look, what can I do?  I’m flailing here.  The Browns trot the same shit out every week and I am trying to find a new angle.

At the end of the game I went to the grocery store.  I like to go to the grocery store after Browns game when I can see adults in sad ass Browns gear grabbing supplies looking slightly embarrassed to publicly admit that they spent their afternoon watching Continued Failure.  I was wearing a scuba dive shop t-shirt.  I wanted to pretend I was above all this Browns nonsense.  The kid bagging my groceries asked me if I knew what the score was, and when I told him 30-16 he was excited that they scored a touchdown.  That’s where this pro football franchise is right now.  They just got pasted by the sorry Bengals and a 22 year old was jacked up because they somehow managed to get in the end zone.  He was genuinely happy.  

He stopped bagging for a second and said the following.  “You know, I’m not upset about the team.  They aren’t good in Year 2.  What people don’t get is that it might take 3, 4, or 5 years for them to be good.  A couple years from now is when they will be good.”  I could not resist crushing his hope.  “Really?  Why is that?  They have been doing the same rebuilding project since 1999.  If they haven’t gotten it right in 18 years, what makes you think they would get it right in 2020?”  He looked at me for a second and frowned.  “Hey…  You might be right.”  Damn straight.  Now bag my juice!

It seems impossible that the Browns win a game.  They are totally devoid of playmakers.  Duke Johnson is the only guy out there that does anything reliably.  I feel sorry for him.  Not much happened that we didn’t already know.

  • The punter Colquitt got absolutely blown up on that one return.  If you ever harbored a fantasy of running out onto the field and seeing what it would be like to play in a game, just remember that Colquitt is ten times the athlete you are and he almost died.
  • Jabrill Peppers got jobbed on that late penalty.  He destroyed that Bengal receiver on a totally legal hit.  The only reason he got the flag is it seemed like something that should have received criminal charges if it happened anywhere else.  That’s what I thought the team was drafting when they took him.  On the next play, he promptly celebrated when he tackled Mixon for a 12 yard gain right before the Bengals scored, so I quickly soured on him again.
  • Kizer wasn’t awful.  He was bad.  However, I watched Paxton Lynch’s start at Denver today, and Kizer is now the second worst starter in the NFL.  Kizer should start all press conferences with a mention about how Lynch is worse than him.  Kizer played hard.  Having Coleman drop that absolutely perfect pass in the end zone was a tough break.  He still took too many sacks and can’t seem to find receivers.  He will be out of football soon.  I hope he studied at Notre Dame.  I could see him selling medical devices for a corporation.
  • Marvin Lewis is one of those coaches that can take his roster and lose to yours, or take yours and lose to his.  He inexplicably called a time out to allow the obviously concussed Colquitt to trot on the field to hold instead of Cody Kessler trying out kick holding for the first time.  A great Marvin Lewis move to “ice” a kicker for a 23 yard FG.  
  • I like Brody-Calhoun, but for the love of Christ can that guy finish a play?
  • Kenny Britt made a couple plays today, but that move to hide under the towel on the bench isn’t a greatest PR idea.  If I had to make a bet, he will be the first player to be relaxing in the Bahamas after Week 16.  He might hop on a plane at halftime.  Kenny Britt gives zero fucks.
  • Cody Kessler isn’t very good.
  • There is no reason to believe this team will ever win a game.  Ever.  

Go Browns.   


-Greg Miller

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Posted by on Nov 26 2017. Filed under Featured, Greg Miller on Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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